No Free Bags

I guess this would not come as a surprise to those (wonderful, loyal) few who still read my almost-nonexistant blog, but I often find my mind wandering far afield. Like the old "paper vs. plastic" debate. Pretty mundane on the surface, but rather complicated once you delve deeper. Because you have to kill trees to make paper bags, and you have to drill oil to make plastic ones. At least trees are a renewable resource. And probably the best bet is to bring your own reuseable bags to the store with you, provided you don't wash them too often, which uses water and detergent and electricity. Which brings me to the thought that that's how it used to be, you brought your own containers to carry things home in, because there were no free bags. You brought the miller your wheat, he ground it, and you carried the flour home in your own sacks. So who started giving away free bags when you purchased something at their store? I think it's a pretty enterprising thing to do, people were maybe more likely to shop there, but then, how did it become standard? And these days, it seems we're coming full-circle, with a movement by stores to stop giving away bags. Hmmm...

New Year's Resolutions I Can Live With

1. Drink more red wine.  Two (6 oz.) glasses a day is okay.
2. Eat more healthy seafood.  I kind of forgot how yummy salmon is, and fish-oil capsules give you nasty burps.
3. Ask for help when I need it.  There are lots of people who love and support me, but they're not mind readers.

The Slant of the Light

It's a gorgeous Alaskan fall day, one of the few we're likely to have, and yet I'm sitting inside, blogging. Which isn't a bad thing, just a waste of nice weather.
I've got a bit of a case of the fall dreads, which I think are made exponentially worse by the prospect of an Alaskan winter. Thinking about things like splitting wood, winterizing the truck, and how much plowing will cost aren't particularly fun and leave me with a chill in the pit of my stomach. Dealing with real-life issues isn't my forte, and they all cost money. Last winter was pretty mild, too much to hope that this winter will be the same.
NSA is in Colorado, and I could go down there too, and stay the winter. But the idea of living around his family is daunting, to put it mildly, and horrifying, to put it realistically.
The sun is never really high over head in Alaska, not like it is in say, Nevada, or New York, or even Wisconsin. But this time of year, the angle of the light becomes even steeper, the slant sharper, the sunshine is pale and washed out, and the threat of cold and dark and death is heavy around you.

Freeform Friday: Cat World

(Don't you just LOVE alliteration?)

Cat World

In the eternal babyhood of cat world,
Where food is Love,
and attention is Love,
and affection is Love,
And milk flows like water
from the magic carton breast

A Few Things I've Recently Learned About Myself

I know, I know, it's always me,me,me, but it is my blog, and recipes, cute baby pics and directions on how to knit your cat a sweater can be found elsewhere. So.

• Most of the time, I feel like a wide-eyed innocent. Except when I feel like a cynical bitch.
• New music gives me a tremendous boost. Lately, it's been young female singer-songwriters, namely Regina Spektor, Feist, and Yael Naim. NSA likes to listen to ALOT of the same old shit, which gets b-o-r-i-n-g.
• I enjoy splitting wood. No, that's not some clever sexual innuendo, I've found I like hefting an axe over my head and slamming the blade into a solid piece of spruce. Very cathartic, and empowering, and other words that get waaaay overused.
• While NSA finds having three bodies buried close by somewhat disturbing, I feel comforted having most of my family members right there.

That's about it for now. I do plan on posting on a more regular basis, but the best laid plans, as they say.

It's RAINING!

Ok, a counterpoint to the global warming deniers out there, who point to the huge-ass snow dump on Washington, D. C. as evidence that the atmosphere is indeed not warming; it's 36 degrees and raining here currently. In ALASKA! In FEBRUARY! Do I have to point out just how fucking weird that is?? This winter has been so mild that the pavement is bare in a lot of places, when it might reasonably be expected to be coated in two inches of ice. I think that the studded tires on my truck are doing more harm than good. It's WEIRD, people, and rather worrisome. Not that I'm not enjoying it, because this kind of weather is more suited to the end of March, and it's probably saved my marriage (for now, at least), but warm and dry AREN'T Alaska. And I like polar bears, and wild salmon, even permafrost has it's advantages. If I want warm and dry, I'll move back to California.

In Which I Discover I Have Something In Common With Vanna White?!?

So I heard the end of "Wheel of Fortune" the other night while NSA was flipping channels, and for some reason he got distracted and paused on the show for a bit. It was that lag time at the end of the show when Pat and Vanna are chatting. I don't know how it came up, but Vanna was saying how she uses a manual toothbrush in the morning, but her electric toothbrush before bed. And Pat commented that that was kind of a strange thing, and I had to agree, but what got me the most was that I do the exact same thing!

Too Much To Say, No Time To Say It

I feel like the white rabbit in Alice in Wonderland, "no time to say hellogood-bye..." NSA and I are rolling along with our plans, hitting every freakin' bump along the way. I will be so happy to be out of this job and away from San Diego, but right now I'm so stressed I feel like my brain is going to jellify from the pressure and leak out my ears, (all together now...) ewwww! Not that I'm a constant blogger anyway, but please don't be disappointed if posting is nonexistant over the next few weeks. I will try to keep up with my reading and commenting, I have a lot to say, I'm just not sure I'll find the time to blog it.

Desperately Seeking Dynamo

So, it's been an eventful couple of weeks, to say the least, and my blogging has suffered for it. Last week, Yin Yin was sick, like reallyreally sick, and although I took her to the vet and he put her on antibiotics, I wasn't trusting him. I know I was being a little crazy and irrational, but the thought of losing Mom's sweet little cat was almost too much for me to bear, I got crumbly around the edges. She's okay now, some expensive intestinal nastiness, but dealing with it seriously did me in for a few days.
A few things came to an ugly head at work. I was quitting anyway, put in my notice Monday, but the shit that went on before that was more than just the final straw, more like the final log- the final fucking Sequoia!- and while I'm not going into details, it was just a huge mess that I shouldn't have had to deal with in the first place, it should never have been allowed to get so out of hand. Knowing that I only have a week left has done me a world of good. And while leaving a decent job with good benefits makes me afraid, especially in this economy, it's also helped me sleep better at night.
All of this to say, we'll be packing boxes and moving very soon, and my inner dynamo seems to have gone missing. She's usually pretty reliable; an energetic, if slightly disorganized being who manages to get things done just before the final deadline. She hasn't shown her frenetic face yet, but then, it's not quite crunch time, and she might need to be bribed with double-lattes and promises of a nice vacation. Or maybe she needs a couple Xenadrine with a Rockstar chaser, she's not gettin' any younger after all.

IMHO

I think that our next national holiday should be the Monday after Daylight Savings Time begins. It only makes sense. Today, everyone who works a regular job (those of us lucky enough to still have jobs) is groggy and crabby, school kids are cranky, because even if you went to bed early Sunday night, it doesn't seem to help. Also, this is the longest stretch in the calendar (from the middle of February until the end of May) without a holiday, and I think that needs to be rectified. Easter doesn't count because it's always on a Sunday and there's no paid day off. I mean, I doubt anything of consequence is being accomplished today, and frankly, those hypermotivated people that are accomplishing things, probably would be regardless of it being a holiday or not.
Maybe we should call it "National Sleep-In Day," to honor the chronically sleep-deprived (read: most of us), or "Spring Fertility Rites Day" since pagans really don't have a holiday of their own and it only seems fair. I dunno, I'm just spitballing here, but I'm sure everyone will agree, the wait for Memorial Day is just too damned long.

Chimay & Sushi

Just what I needed this Saturday night, a fantastic sushi roll and a couple of pints of 8% alcohol beer. Then more leftover birthday cake...If you don't hear from me by Tuesday, I've probably died in some horrible, vomit-related accident. Happy weekend everyone!

Random Bits III

Yesterday, there was a woman in front of me in the checkout lane at the grocery store with flaming red/orange hair and a purple corduroy pantsuit. Maybe if the suit had been a little lighter, or her hair a little darker, it could have worked, but as it was, I felt like my eyeballs had been scalded.

I've been feeling very judge-y lately (see above), and I'm not sure why. Maybe it's my insecurities about leaving the job, or maybe it's just my latent bitchiness finally rearing it's ugly head. Or maybe it's the fact that people like Nadya Suleman get under my skin and make me all red and itchy. I think that must be it: I have an allergy to media whores. Definitely explains my reaction to Paris Hilton.

I recently discovered Darrell Lea's Green Apple Licorice on sale at the local drugstore. It's not licorice in the true sense of the word, more like a better version of Twizzlers, but damn! it's yummy. And all-natural too.

Is anyone else bothered by the fact that grocery stores are tracking how we spend our dollars so precisely? I mean, I know that's the deal when you sign up for those discount cards, and I don't see how the information that I (well, my cats) prefer Friskies to 9 Lives or that I buy insane amount of rotisserie chicken, can be misused, but I still find it a little creepy. I do love the coupons specifically tailored to I want though.

An Accurate Representation of My Current State of Mind

I'm sitting on the office floor, picking all my favorites out of the candy dish, because that's the frame of mind I'm in. Wanting massive amounts of what's not good for me, and feeling selfish enough to take it. I've put on a few pounds lately, and I don't wonder why. At least this decision is easy to make, unlike the next few months of uncertainty I'm facing. Sometimes, I find I need the littlest act of control to keep me from going completely batshit.

Miss Manners Says...

Now, maybe I'm being overly sensitive, but, if you were a guest in someone's home and woke up earlier than them, would you start up their computer? Especially when you already have your own laptop and internet access. I mean, I personally wouldn't presume to use someone else's expensive thing without asking, and once I did have their permission, I certainly wouldn't start rearranging stuff and adding to their toolbar. It's just rude, in my opinion, and I wonder what the fuck they were doing with my computer that they didn't want to do with their's, but that's just me.

Today is Fucking With Me

I'm thisclose to putting in my two weeks notice and getting the fuck out of this job, but the timing isn't quite right, another week or so and I AM OUTTA HERE! (Don't want to have to head to Alaska too early, that place is cold.) But, although I'm not superstitious, I could swear that Friday the 13th is totally fucking with me. Not in huge ways, but just petty little annoying shit. Like my work email has been screwed up for most of the day, and it's just me. No one else in the company is having any problems. And Wordpress keeps screwing up as I'm trying to read a couple of my favorite blogs, Miss Pants, who has a heartbreaking announcement, and Amy, who seems to be saying something interesting about her sobriety, but I can't read all of it!! AAARRGGhhh! And I can't leave any (kind/supportive/witty/sarcastic) comments either, which, for a blog-junkie like me, is tantamount to hiding my chocolate chip cookies and then teasing me about it.
Historically, Friday the 13th has been a good day for me. This one, though, is giving me flashbacks to 2008.

Complaint #37,184

It seems like my favorite T.V. shows inevitably get cancelled. Yeah, yeah, I know, totally first-world problem, and while there is so much else I could be thinking or blogging about, this has been on my mind. Because I reallyreally liked Pushing Daisies, it was sweet and whimsical with touches of black humor, and the visual style was bold and unique, probably more akin to children's programming than shows aimed at a higher age demographic (and I wonder what that says about me...). It wasn't all great, the circus episode was stoo-pid, but there are lines that I will be quoting for years to come. Chi McBride, as the acerbic P.I., Emerson Cod- (patting pockets) "Now, where's that rat's ass I could give?"
And it's not just Pushing Daisies, it's it's like, you know..., and Undeclared, and Significant Others. It's Titus, Dead Like Me, and The Comeback. It's that my tastes often don't seem to match those of the general public, which probably isn't a bad thing, but does get disappointing. Disappointing because crap like Survivor is a huge hit and goes on for years and years, while Firefly lasts a mere fifteen episodes. Oh well, I can always take refuge in the endless syndication of Law & Order.

Oh, The POWER!

I needed to talk to this person today, so I went over to her, only to be totally ignored initially, and then when she did acknowledge me, she was completely nervous, stammering, and made an excuse to get away very quickly. She would not make eye contact! I was a bit nonplussed. My first thought was could she have read my blog?, but I don't think that's the case. I mean, I'm not scary, I'm not Meryl Streep in The Devil Wears Prada, I'm a rainbows-and-fluffy-bunnies kind of person, but obviously she's picked up on how I feel, and I find that kind of thrilling. Wow, so this is how it feels to have someone afraid of you, or at least to make them really, really uncomfortable with your mere presence. I can see why Anakin went over to the dark side if this is the kind of reaction you get.

So I did what any normal person would do, I smiled and was extra-super-sweet to her. Because sugar helps the poison go down that much easier.

Hmmm...

So I post about how I need more community in my life, and this postcard shows up in my mailbox. There's no artist credit, and it's for a local church that I'm not at all interested in attending, but I like the image. It looks constructed from three or four different sources, with some cool effects added. Whoever did it has a decent amount of talent and flair, maybe they put it together as a form of tithing. I think the choice of the fence is interesting, a bit exclusive or exclusionary, maybe not exactly what they're trying to convey.
I do think the universe sends messages, I don't know, maybe I should attend some Sunday, or maybe it's just a general kind of attraction thing, I'm thinking about community, so are many other people, and the thought is out there in the ether, waiting to drop in to my mailbox.

Feeling Strangely Fine

I don't really know why, except that I think a few things have gelled for me recently. Admittedly, Mom's death hit me hard, harder than expected, but it also clarified some things, as major events are wont to do. And as time passes, the grief and trauma settle a bit, the pain eases, and I'm able to reflect.
I've been worried, to some degree or another, for the past couple of years. Most of the worrys stem from loved one's health issues, but then there's the general never-enough-money worries and the I'm-not-where-I-want-to-be blues also. I'm not usually an anxious person, and the pressure and fretfulness have a corrosive effect on my personality. I'm snappish and mean, emotional, and I don't like it.
Here's what I've realized:

• The job I have right now is a bad fit for me. It's not creative, it's more responsibility than I want, and it asks me to behave in ways I find objectionable.
• I don't like big city life any more. I get pissy with the lack of privacy, rude people and being too far away from nature. I don't want to live in the boonies, but a smaller place would be better.
• I'm tired of feeling poor. Having a disabled spouse contributes to this feeling, but so does the cost of living in a big city. There are definitely less expensive places to live.
• I don't do enough to feed my soul, and I think souls need to be fed, regularly. I've abandoned interesting hobbies and am instead becoming a snail.
• I've devalued friendship and community in my life. I don't know if this an attitude thing, an introspection thing, or what, but it needs to change. I need it to change.

I'm still working things out, there are lots of difficulties and details that have to be dealt with, but I think 2009 is going to be a good year, maybe the best year of my life. Or maybe it's just the chocolate talking.

Text Messaging and The State of My Relationship

I'm saving the "I luv u"s and deleting the "Fuck u"s.