Monday, October 13, 2008

Limbo

I'm in a weird and difficult place right now, trying to prepare for what's to come. I say "trying" because, how do you prepare, really? I've made some arrangements, there were financial and legal matters that Mom let go unattended (no will?? WTF?!), that I took care of as best I could. Other than that, I'm just waiting. Waiting. Waiting for something bad to happen, which is not a fun place to be. Not like when you were little, waiting for summer vacation or Halloween night or Christmas morning, that's happy anticipation. This is just inevitable dread that sits like a rock in the pit of your stomach, making it hard to think about anything else, making you wish you were somewhere else, someone else, even.
Emotionally, I'm glad I was able to spend some quality time with my mom while she was still cognizant and continent, I'm glad I spent the extra week. I don't know why I initially thought one week would be enough.There wasn't a lot left unsaid between us or anything, so we watched movies, listened to the radio and chatted with lots of friends of hers, an exhausting amount, really. Until she was spending more time asleep than awake, and, when she was awake, pressing the button on her morphine pump frequently. I hated leaving, but I couldn't afford to stay, and there wasn't much point really. We've said our goodbyes.
The really sucky thing is that, other than the cancer, she's in pretty good shape. Her heart is strong, her blood pressure is better than mine, so she might linger for a while, which isn't what she wanted at all. But unfortunately, there's not much that can be done about it now, so we're waiting. Waiting.

3 comments:

Lisa said...

I imagine it must have been awful to leave. Your mom is lucky that she was able to have time with you. It's wonderful that she has so many friends to be with her. That must offer at least a little comfort.

Miss Pants said...

Oh J., that sounds heart wrenching. I'm glad you were able to take time with your mom. I don't think there's any amount of time that would make losing someone you love OK.

Susan said...

I don't know what to say J. other than we're thinking about ya lots and we're sending as much love and strength as we can to you. This shit just sucks, it hurts and I so understand wanting to be be somewhere else, or better still to be someone else. Take good care of yourself. Lots + lots of Love, Hugs and Peace, Susan, Miss D & les Boys