Friday, October 31, 2008

"It's Alright To Cry,

crying gets the sad out of you. It's alright to cry, it might make you feel better." From the '70's animated musical Free To Be...You & Me, featuring Marlo Thomas, Mel Brooks and Alan Alda (who my mother completely adored.) A friend of mine had the record and book, so we spent a lot of time singing along. My favorite part was the exchange about gender roles between the baby boy and baby girl when Mel Brooks exclaims, "A cocktail waitress!"
I guess I thought of these lines for the obvious reason, I've been crying a lot lately. This morning I was bawling and called in to work a couple of hours late because it's my fifteenth wedding anniversary, and Halloween, and while I'd like to go out and do something fun, I just don't have the heart. I feel like curling up under the covers with a couple cases of hard liquor and not emerging until I feel better, which might be a while. Right now, I'm thinking vodka, tequila, and maybe a decent Scotch, just for variety.
Of course, I'm still hurting from my mom's death, and the legal/financial mess she left behind. And the problems NSA and I have been having don't help. And the fact that I really dislike my job, but the economy's not doing so well and I'm afraid to quit. Fuck.


Anonymous said...

I can't believe you're talking about Free to be You & Me! I love you. What a huge part if my childhood, this was.

It's allright to cry. It's cleansing, and healthy. Please know, you have a friend on the other side of the country (who doesn't even know you're first name), who is crying, too. You are not alone. As fucked up as it sounds, you're pain will make you stronger, and you will get through this.

I'm sending good vibes your way J. xoxo

Me said...

Do whatever you want. Do what makes you happy or do what makes you want to cry so much that at some point you'll be sick of crying. Suggestion? Rent as many America's Funniest Home Videos you can find. You know what else is funny? That late night stuff with the hosts and animals - that makes me laugh so hard no sound comes out of my body, and it gets me to that breathless, wheezing, bright red and scrunched up faced moment. Thinking about you because experiencing the death of someone significant in your life blows!




Is not the time coming, and the day hastening, when covetous men shall be ashamed of loving the world, and voluptuous men ashamed of loving their pleasures, and ambitious men ashamed of loving their honours?

For is it not a horrid shame, that a rational creature should be such a sot as to love sin which is most loathsome, and not to love Jesus who is most lovely? To love deformity, and not beauty?

Oh shame, shame! It is a shame that sin should have such esteem, and Jesus such great contempt put upon him. But shame shall before long confound these now shameless wretches, when they shall cry out, "We are ashamed that we loved profits, and not Jesus- houses, lands, lusts, and not Jesus.

This is the confusion of our faces, and shame covers us-- that we should be so foolish, and so blind, that we had not sense, nor reason, to distinguish between sin, which is the greatest and most odious evil, and Jesus who is the greatest and most lovely good." But the time will never come, the day will never be, that a gracious soul shall be ashamed of his sincere love to Jesus Christ.

Peace Be With You
Michael Patrick David.


Four years ago I was wandering around [mental hospital] completely shattered physically, emotionally and spiritually.

The mental torment I was experiencing was absolutely terrifying. Every waking second, I was having horrifying images from my past.

I thought I was being punished for my past sins. My whole life flashed before my eyes and I felt I had failed miserably in my journey through life. The whole experience was an awakening [THE LONG DARK NIGHT OF THE SOUL] - a metamorphosis.

God was slowly penetrating the shield I had put up all those desperate years. I had no “I” - that is what God wanted for me, to become Christ cantered, not “I” cantered.

There is nothing in this world, but the saving grace of our Lord & Saviour Jesus Christ. He eventually delivered me from my HELL; when I got down on my knees and asked Him for mercy and forgiveness for my sins.


J. said...

NO proselytizing on my blog, please! There's plenty of other places for that.

Lisa said...

Oh, I'm so sorry for your loss. Of course you should let yourself cry as much as you need to. That's incredibly painful.

Susan said...

Hey J, Once again I'm a bit at a loss for words. What do you say at a time like this other than. We're thinking about you, you know I'm a believer in "feeling" all of it, as yucky as it will be for a time you will eventually come out on another side but you will be forever changed by this. I'm still waiting to be convinced of the reason and meaning of all this shit/life. It can be such a drag so much of the time.

I think that's why everyone's harping about "living in the moment" - it's an attempt (and I must confess it does work) to draw your attention away from the reality of life.

Deep breaths, Ativan & ginger on ice is nice for those sleepless nights, surround yourself with pleasure and things that you love - simple little things (like a ride on your scooter with the wind in your hair and the sun on your face, a good burrito ...) and you will, eventually feel a bit better.

Your daily comments when I was in the pit of grief and sadness meant the world to me. Thank you again.

We love ya ! and we're sending loads of love your way. Large hugs from the North, S, Miss D, Ness, Oliver & L'il Man

You know that I'm praying along with you that Obama rocks the vote today

Lisa said...

I'm sorry that things are so rough right now. Sometimes it helps to try to come up with something to look forward to. Even a scooter ride can help you feel a little better. Keep in mind that this WILL pass.

anya said...

Just let the tears roll. It IS cathartic. I know that from experience. You can't always be strong. You don't even have to try.


Stinkypaw said...

Sorry for your loss and please accept my condolences. You're mourning so I would suggest not to make any decision, wait it out a bit... Cry all you need, it's ok and you should. Cry, scream, cry some more it's all good.

Sending you good thoughts.

Slick said...

Whoa...lots to deal with.

While I totally understand and sympathize the loss of your mother, I'm hoping that all the other stuff gets way lots better for you.