Monday, November 17, 2008

One Month Yesterday

It's weird how you mark time after a tragedy or significant event, Sunday was one month since my mom died. It doesn't feel like it's been a month, but then also, it does. It's strange because now for me, Thursday is the day she died and Sunday we buried her and Wednesday was her memorial. I know this will fade over time, but it's still so fresh, so present for me, and I'm not dealing with it well. I wasn't unprepared for her death, but I underestimated the impact it would have. I thought I could handle it, I thought my defenses were in place and I was strong, but I'm floundering.
I miss her a lot, much more than I thought I would. I call her cell phone just to listen to her voicemail greeting; I don't want to have it turned off because then even this tiny little part of her will go away too. A friend of hers wrote that Mom was one of her "anchorwomen," someone who kept her grounded, who was always there, and now she's gone. What happens when you lose your anchor? You're adrift, it's hard to stay stable.
I'm suffering because there were things I still wanted to do with her, because I thought there was more she wanted to do. I guess both of us thought we had more time. And I wonder, if she had a grandchild, would she have treated herself better? Sought treatment sooner? Had more of a reason to live? So there's guilt, and anger, and regret. And questions remain, with no answers.

5 comments:

Cat said...

What a really hard thing to be going through. I don't know how I will feel when my parents go. I'm sorry for your loss. Give it time, she will be with you always but the sharpness of the grief will subside. That's what I hear.

Susan said...

Oh J.

You must allow all of this to flow all over, into, out of and all around you. It's like the ocean. Sometimes calm and still and sometimes so rough and mean you're sure that you will drown.

This is grief.

"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear" C.S. Lewis

Big good to yourself, talk to your Mom's friends often, talk about her, remember her, embrace photographs and memories of and with her, cry, and give and receive many hugs from NSA and cat(s).

We're thinking about ya and sending love your way, S, Missy D, Ness, Ver & Mr. Mr.

anya said...

I can say nothing that would express my thoughts better than what Susan said. And...eventually, you'll drift to shore.

Many hugs...

Michelle said...

My mother died about 15 years ago and it stil feels fresh (at times).
Some days will be easier than others. I hate Christmas time because that was HER holiday.
I wasn't ready to loose her either. Although I don't think anyone is ever really ready to give up a parent. they are supposed to live forever, right? What is this dying thing they keep doing?
Just remember that whatever you feel at the time is normal. I was really pissed for about three years and then I just stopped being mad.
My mother told me that everything happens for a reason and I know that her death saved a very important person in my life's life. So, for that I am gratful.
Take care and don't be so hard on yourself. There are plenty of people in the world who are willing to do that for you.
Just keep staying honest and staying true to what you are feeling; you will have an easier time healing.

Lisa said...

Susan put it very nicely. I am so very sorry. What you said about the cell phone message made me cry. It is so understandable.