Small Town Gripes

Returning to the town where I grew up after my mother's death seemed like a good idea at the time. When she was in the hospital in September, 2008, I was all "it's so beautiful here, the air is clean and the people are friendly, why did I leave?" After being back for two years, I TOTALLY remember why I couldn't wait to leave.

I miss the energy and anonimity of big cities. I miss the fast pace of urban life. I miss the option of refusing to return to a store when I get crappy service. When there's only one place in town to get something, then you pretty much HAVE to go there, crappy service or not. The other options are to order over the internet (and pay for shipping,) or drive a hundred and sixty miles round trip to the next, slightly larger, town (and pay for gas) neither of which is a great choice.

Having lived here for over thirty years, my mother had quite a history. She was a visible, active member of the community, ran for city council a couple of times, never failed to make her opinions known. It can be a nice thing, being known for your family, but sometimes you can just feel the judgment when someone finds out who your parent was. It can leave a bitter aftertaste. And did I mention seeing her ex-lovers? That can be rather embarassing, especially when some of them really have NO idea what's in good taste.

I like running into people I know, even though I've become quite masterful at the sweet-but-swift brush-off, since otherwise a fifteen minute trip to the store becomes a forty-five minute "Oh I haven't seen you in so long!" conversation. Being surrounded by people who've known you for years is great, except when it's not, when it's petty and spiteful and grudge-holding.

Small town life can be amusing. There was a letter to the editor in one of the local papers this week about the illegalities of shooting and butchering a neighbor's goat that happened to get loose. It was funny, but it also struck me as being so provincial and vaguely ridiculous.

I liked having my choice of first-run movies to see in a variety of luxe theaters, even if we rarely went. Ditto with other entertainment and dining options. Here, there is ONE theater that hasn't been updated since the 70's, showing two or three movies per week. Last time I saw a film on the big screen, I was distracted by the ratcheting of the projector and how cold the building was.

Maybe I'm being petty or short-sighted, maybe I'm spoiled or impatient, but 99% of the people I went to school with now live elsewhere. Some of them didn't go too far, a couple of really good friends live in Anchorage. Anchorage is a city, a small city, but a city nevertheless.

Lately...

I haven't been writing...like AT ALL. No journal, no blog, no memoir, pretty sad really. I have been tweeting, but only sporadically, and how much can you really accomplish in 140 characters or less? I keep promising myself I'll do better, but all that's proven is that I'm bad at keeping promises, even to myself. I have big ideas, but without follow through, ideas, big or small, mean nothing.
I've been watching too much T.V., letting myself get lost in other people's fantasies. It's easy, which is such a trap for me. I've been doing nothing creative, and very little that's healthy. I haven't worked out since leaving California, and Alaska makes it expensive to eat well.
I socialize more than I did in So Cal, there are so many people I know here and it's generally okay to drop in for a cup of coffee and a chat, but I'm not sure how productive it is. I feel the love and support, but there's no real impetus to change or be better. Also, it can be a huge time-suck.

I'm dealing with a beautiful but moody boy-cat who gets upset easily and likes to pee in inappropriate places, like MY BED. He's one of Mom's cats and I tried to adopt him out, unsuccessfully. He spent three months in the local shelter, which did not help at all.

Upside & Down

A few comments on unemployed cabin life:

• Upside- Free rent! Down- Bills still have to be paid, which gets tricky with no income.
• Upside- Wildlife ALL over the place. Down- NSA had the shit scared out of him by a baby bull moose.
• Upside- Summer in Alaska. Down- The days get shorter from here on.
• Upside- Quiet and private. Down- Except when Mom's "colorful" friends decide to drop by unannounced.
• Upside- Freedom. Down- Without structure, I'm kind of falling on my face.

La Vida Rustica

The cabin that Dave built.

This is my current home, a 10X18 cabin with no running water, BUT, thanks to the wireless marvels of the modern age, I do enjoy access to the World Wide Web. Kinda freaky, huh?





Jezebel enjoying the view from the front window.

The three kitties have adapted remarkably well to the rustic life, despite the lack of comfortable armchairs. As long as there's wet food and a clean box, they're happy. I wish I were as easily satisfied.

Ms. Moose browsing in front of the same window.

Two Things That Make Life Without Running Water Slightly More Bearable

• Baby wipes
• Hand sanitizer
  

I Look Like Mardi Gras!

And I wish that were as fun and sexy as it sounds (boobies!! yay!), but really it just means that my arms and legs are covered in purple, green and yellow bruises. Moving is hard, especially when you approach it in a completely chaotic and fucked-up manner, and my flesh and nerves pay the price. I can never seem to do anything like a sane, rational adult , but at least most of our shit is safely stored. NSA's health is the big worry now, we're supposed to be getting on a plane with the three cats (!!!) Wednesday, but if he has to go to the emergency room, then our plans will naturally have to change. I've never had the best balance, but right now, I think I'd make any tightrope walker proud.
And all of you are just the sweetest things! I'm sporadically checking my stats, and you guys just keep coming back, quick drop-ins to see what's going on even though I haven't posted in weeks. It warms me to the cockles of my heart, and believe me, my cockles need warming. Thank you.

I'm Probably Insane For Even Considering This

I'm seriously thinking about buying a big-ass tent, a decent heater, and a chemical toilet, and camping out on Mom's property for the summer. In Alaska. With three cats. And a shotgun, most likely, in case of bears. Yeah, plenty of reasons to question my rationality right there. For those of you who've been following along (and for those of you who haven't), let me explain: We were planning on moving to Colorado this spring. NSA's family is there, it's a beautiful place, and we have no real ties to Southern California. BUT, since my mom died, I've been in a strange and funky place (and I don't mean that in a Lipps, Inc. kind of way), and her property needs a LOT of attention before it can either be occupied or sold. Cleaning out the house itself is probably at least a two month project. There's also a travel trailer, two sheds, and an old school bus full of crap as well. Jesus, just writing that comes across so hillbilly/white trash, I feel like I should be pregnant and barefoot in the Appalachians somewhere.
NSA and I have been considering moving back to Alaska and renting an apartment, but both of us really don't want to have to spend the winter there, shipping all of our stuff is expensive, and neither of us want to feel trapped by decisions Mom made. So what's the compromise? What can we live with? Well, NSA is the disabled one, so if he feels that he can spend a few months in a tent, then I can too. If we get Mom's place into a habitable state, then good, we won't be stuck in a lease. And if the house isn't decent by the end of summer, then at least most of the trash will be removed and it will be in better condition to board up and leave for the following winter. Storing the bulk of our stuff is definitely less expensive than shipping it, and it leaves the option of moving to Colorado (or somewhere else) open.
I realize that for some, spending a summer in a tent in Alaska sounds a little bit like Hell on earth, while for others, it's a dream vacation. I know quite a few people who've done it, even in the winter, while building a house, working in fish processing, doing wildlife research. Not having to pay rent would mean that we could live on a reduced income, and in this age of cell phones and wireless broadband, of movies and T.V. shows delivered directly to your computer, it could actually be pretty comfortable. Or it could be a horribly bad idea that ends tragically with my face being eaten by a bear. I guess we'll just have to see.