Upside & Down

A few comments on unemployed cabin life:

• Upside- Free rent! Down- Bills still have to be paid, which gets tricky with no income.
• Upside- Wildlife ALL over the place. Down- NSA had the shit scared out of him by a baby bull moose.
• Upside- Summer in Alaska. Down- The days get shorter from here on.
• Upside- Quiet and private. Down- Except when Mom's "colorful" friends decide to drop by unannounced.
• Upside- Freedom. Down- Without structure, I'm kind of falling on my face.

Reasons I'm Glad I'm Going To Alaska

1. Although there are mosquitoes by the ton and Mom's place is infested with mice, no West Nile virus and no Hantavirus.
2. Clean air and clean water.
3. Eighteen hours of daylight.
4. Homegrown potatoes, peas, tomatoes, carrots, cauliflower, gooseberries and raspberries.
5. People who've loved me almost my entire life.

Tranquilly On Pins and Needles

Today, I'm envisioning myself as one of those Indian yogis. You know the ones, lying comfortably on a bed of nails, skin exposed to the sharp points while they doze unconcernedly. I've been worried about my job, in one way or another, for months now, and have actually written my letter of resignation several times. Now, mostly because of the economy, there is more pressure being applied than ever, headache-inducing, stomach-churning pressure. But pretty soon, all of that is going away, as in, it will no longer be my worry, no longer be my stomach churning and my head aching. At least, not from this job. There are plenty of other things for me to worry about, lots of varied concerns, but this job will no longer wake me up at night.
I'm feeling a little heady, a little buzzed by the thought of freedom, because while leaving this job, this particular form of security, is a bit frightening, the prospect of having more control over my time and not working for people I've come to dislike is rather intoxicating. I've realized a few things about myself over the past couple of years, one of them is that I can eat a tremendous amount of shit if I need to (which I'm not sure is a good thing), and that I really perform better when I like who I'm working for.
So, for the next few weeks, I'm on pins and needles, biding my time, but tranquilly, because I know it will be over soon. And I think what's coming next will be a great adventure.

Totally Uninterested

Since I'm not going to be at this job a whole lot longer, (yay! yay! YAY! balloons and streamers! flowers and rainbows!! champagne and cake...you get the idea) I've become a really horrible fuck-off. Like I wasn't working very hard before, but now, I'm totally doing bare minimum. My blog reading has increased substantially. There are just so many amazing blogs out there, so much fascinating stuff and fascinating people, is there a job where I can just sit around and read blogs all day? How do I go about creating such a job? But then, that wouldn't work either, since it would be my job, and inevitably I'd get bored, and my eyes would hurt from reading so much, and I'd want to be outside lounging in the sun or something. That's the trouble with me having a job, I really dislike the obligation of it: be here at this time, go there and do that, this must be accomplished by then. And there's the unending nature of it too; I have to do this for HOW long? For most of my life? Until I die?? Bleah, just thinking about it makes me shudder. I don't think other people necessarily feel this way, or maybe they do and they're just better able to discipline themselves and deal with the reality of it.
I'm of the opinion that life is short, death is long, and there's no guarantee of an afterlife, so you'd better make the most of whatever time you have on this planet. In someone's famous words, "No one says, on their deathbed, 'I wish I'd spent more time at work.'" and I couldn't agree more. I'm almost thirty-eight, I have a disabled spouse who will probably have a shorter-than-average lifespan, I need to start making the most of the time we have. And working a stressful, restrictive, dead-end job just isn't worth it. So, thankfuckinggod it's Friday, and stay tuned for further developments.

Suppressing Urges

So, yeah, I think my days at this job are seriously numbered since I'm having a harder and harder time not telling that obnoxious little twat-faced bitch exactly what I think of her. I am so totally FUCKING over it!!!

My Ass Is SORE!!

And not for any good reason (like horseback riding, you with the duurrty minds!) No, my posterior is tender from the SERIOUS chewing out it got from my boss yesterday. See, this past quarter, my performance has been off, not surprisingly, what with my mom dying and all. So, in the spirit of Christmas, my boss calls me on the carpet to tell me that my job is in danger. This from the same woman who offered support and proffered understanding, but hung me out to dry when it came down to it. What really burns me is that I know of at least two other employees who are having the same problems I am, without the same obstacles. I have consistently been a top performer, so it feels really unfair to bust my chops over three bad months.
I've long suspected that my boss is pretty heartless when it comes down to it. Last summer, a co-worker had a really bad stomach infection, he was in the hospital for a couple of weeks and then out for about another six weeks recovering. The way she treated him when he returned, you'd think he pissed on her grandmother's grave. She treated him like total shit because he got sick. He tried to warn me when I talked about what Mom was going through, but I thought maybe he was exaggerating, I didn't want to think she would be so uncaring. Boy, was I wrong!
In all fairness, I think she's worried about her job too. In these shaky economic times, everyone's feeling the pressure and no one is immune, but her anger and anxiety do nothing to endear her to me. Time to step up the job search, get my exit strategy in place, and be happy that the GFOD (get the fuck outta Dodge) fund is pretty healthy.

Dodged a Bullet

Sweet relief!! (On a completely unrelated note, I just told the FedEx guy that his "little thingy" [stylus] wasn't any good.) I had to go to court today to defend actions taken, or actually, not taken, by my predecessor. This situation has been a source of worry and frustration for several months now, since I initially lost the lawsuit and have been waiting anxiously for the appeal. I WON, even though I was very doubtful that I would. And it feels wonderful. My boss thinks I'm a hero, I saved the company thousands of dollars (not that I really care), this is the best thing that's happened in a while.
Basically, I was asked to clean up a mess that started six years ago, four years before I started. Since my predecessor no longer works for the company, it fell to me to sort it out, which was difficult considering I wasn't around at the time and didn't have all of the information. There probably wouldn't have been any real repercussions if I had lost, I really couldn't be held accountable, but it's hard to tell in these situations. No one wants to be responsible for costing their employer money, and I was afraid for my job if it went badly. Bad will is a significant factor when it comes to lay-offs, promotions and internal politics, so it's usually a good idea to be on your boss' good side. And now I am again.
I think I'll have a drink and buy some lottery tickets tonight, 'cause I'm feeling lucky.

That Bitch Inertia

I haven't been posting much lately, like at all!, I guess because I've been falling into the "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything" trap and I've been feeling whiny and complain-y mostly. I end up feeling so shallow and ungrateful when all I can do is bitch and moan. Yes, currently my life kind of sucks. Yes, there are millions of people in much worse circumstances than mine. Yes, I don't see a clear way to get to where I want to be, blah, blah, blah. I just want to tell myself, Christ, woman! Stop your pissing and moaning and DO something! And I do, and it doesn't seem to help much.

Part of it is that I'm coming up on the two-year mark (I hate to say "anniversary" because in my mind, anniversary implies something pleasant and I don't feel that way) at this job. What was supposed to be a temporary measure until we got back on our feet has become more permanent, and I'm hating it right now. It doesn't fulfill me in any meaningful way, there's a lot about it I don't like or agree with, and it's becoming harder for me to stuff my feelings and show up every day. This is dangerous territory, because historically, when I feel this way, I do something to sabotage myself and force the issue, which is a stupid way to live your life.

Part of it is that NSA's health hasn't been good. This has been true for quite a while, but in the past nine months, we've gotten more and more bad news. Yesterday afternoon was spent at the hospital getting a lengthy stress test on his heart, which should help his cardiologist decide if he needs surgery. Heart surgery. For my forty-four year old husband. So when he gets depressed and feels worthless and says he doesn't want to put me through all this, it's pretty understandable. And part of me feels resentful because it's all on me. If I want things to change, I have to change them, he's just not capable any more. It's a one-woman rescue team, there is no outside help coming, our asses need saving and I need to figure out how to do it, sigh.

I think I need to watch Touching the Void again, to remind me what human beings are capable of.

It all comes down to what I can and cannot do, or more like, what I am and am not willing to do. In college, I would wait to do my term papers until the week, sometimes the weekend, before they were due. I would rush to do research, find sources, write, edit and rewrite. And I got A's and B's. Got quoted by my professors. Was generally rewarded for doing what I considered a half-assed job. The trick was the deadline, the absolute must, the need to bring myself to task and focus. And I did it, consistently, successfully. The same thing applies in the real world, when there's a deadline I have to meet at work, I do, and with good results. Why do I find this so hard to do for myself?? If I disappoint myself, there's no immediate consequences. If I let myself down, I'm the one who suffers. And family and friends are no real help; they're not motivators, they're distractors. I need to find some way around this, this boulder on my path labeled "lacks self-discipline," otherwise I'll probably end up fat, unhappy, living in a trailer park and bitching about the neighbor's kids, with squandered gifts and a wasted life. Reminds me of Lu Ann Hampton Laverty Oberlander.

NOT Happy

Feeling like a pissy six year old today, wanting to throw a raging hissy fit and stomp around with a scowl on my face, but knowing that I'm a "big girl" and too old for baby tantrums. Sometimes I just want to revert so badly, to the days of "but it's not FAIR!" and "HE doesn't have to, so why do I??" It's not like I expect the universe to smile and grant me my every desire tout suite, it's just that sometimes things feel so unnecessarily difficult.
A co-worker's husband died over the weekend, and I feel so bad for her, and it's cast a pall over everything. Additionally, a shitload of paperwork arrived on my desk yesterday that needs to be completed ASAP! because we're in review time and if it's not completed perfectly, WE COULD ALL GET FIRED! Which is really very unlikely, but that's the kind of pressure being brought to bear. I just want to stick out my tongue and scream "NO!" and I don't care if I have to go sit in the corner because sitting in the (quiet, comtemplative) corner would be really, really nice right now.
It's days like this that I'm particularly envious of Susan. I love her blog, because even when she's unhappy, there's a certain serenity to her posts, a calm gentleness that's just missing in my life. And she has faith that things will get better, that she can make them better, and I lack that too.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

This morning, I read Susan's blog over at 29 Black Street, and I can totally relate to how she's feeling. I need to make some big and serious changes in my life, changes for my health, sanity and future. Right now, I'm spinning my wheels, getting nowhere, paying bills and surviving, but not much more than that. I'm in this place, physically and emotionally, as a result of bad decisions and unhappy circumstance, and I need to figure out how to turn it around, preferably sooner.
I have a job I don't like. No big surprise there, that describes 90% of the people I know, but it pays the bills and keeps a roof over our heads, which is important, even more so when your spouse is disabled on a fixed income. I don't like being the sole breadwinner, and it makes it that much harder to change jobs or take time off. Everything I do has more impact because it's not just me I'm making decisions for. That was a hard-learned lesson.
It's occurred to me lately that I was happier when I was stripping. I know it sounds weird, but I was married, had flexible hours, worked with people I liked, and had a lot less stress than I do now. Of course, other things were different too. NSA wasn't disabled, was much healthier, and I was younger and more optimistic. I have determined that I don't enjoy making already rich people richer, it cramps my soul and I feel withered and diminished.
So I've got to come up with a workable plan to change my life and lift my spouse and myself out of this situation. I don't think it's going to be easy, and I know it will take time. And I've got to be careful, because rash decisions and poor implementation are why I'm here now.

Nasty Little BASTARD!

A few days ago, a client comes into my office and proceeds to chew my ass ROYALLY! Screaming and swearing and practically hopping up and down he's so angry. I'm rather flabbergasted at this rat's asshole, especially since his complaint is completely without merit, but I manage to keep it together, for about ninety seconds. Then I let loose on him, minus the swearing, and escort him out of my office. I was completely rude. After I shut the door in his face, I immediately called and left my supervisor a message to let her know what went on. Then, I called our lawyer just to make sure I was in the clear. The attorney was very reassuring, stating that even if the client's complaint was legitimate, that's no excuse for (dumping a pile of shit on me) abusive behavior, and that his actions were borderline criminal.
My supervisor returned my call, sounding a little nervous and saying that she'd have to talk to the higher-ups about the incident, which made me nervous and antsy, since I didn't feel like I'd done anything wrong, but sometimes you get fired even when you haven't done anything wrong. And so I waited to see how this would turn out, not sleeping well, reprimanding myself, and obliterating my right pinkie nail with my teeth.
Yesterday afternoon, I get a call, my supervisor wants to see me in her office first thing in the morning. And I'm thinking this is not a good sign. Usually we communicate through phone and email, a face-to-face meeting is rare. So I get to her office and she does this thing where she looks you over from head-to-toe, not subtly I might add, and either says "You look nice today," or says nothing at all, which you can take to mean she thinks cat puke looks better than what you're wearing. This day, she likes my outfit. And then she wants to chat, haven't seen you in a while, how's the family, blah, blah, blah. And the whole time, I'm just waiting for the axe to fall. But it doesn't. Instead of the write-up or, at the very least, verbal reprimand that I was expecting (and sort of felt I almost deserved), she tells me that she's sending a letter to the client about how abuse of the associates will not be tolerated and if he doesn't behave civilly in the future, then he can take his business elsewhere. YESSSSS!! Score one for me against the little shitheads of the world. Now I'm just trying to figure out how to provoke the Napoleonic douchebag into going off on me again so that I won't have to deal with his vile self any more.

Another One of Those Days

Just one of those days when I chew my tongue in frustration. Frustration that bleeds into anger and an inability to sit at my desk for more than ten minutes without feeling the need to get up and move around I'm so wired and irritable. All of this tension is not a healthy thing, I can feel the muscles in my neck tighten, my shoulders knot. It's very hard to get anything done on days like this, and there's always so much to be done. Every little decision becomes a huge event. It's sunny and gorgeous out, and I wish I could just sit in the grass somewhere and read, escape for the afternoon. Instead, I'm dealing with the same shit for the four hundred and seventeenth time. Nothing is ever resolved, just delayed. And it goes 'round and 'round and 'round like some hellish carousel. I repeat to myself, "tomorrow is Friday, tomorrow is Friday," a mantra to preserve my sanity.

I Should Not

I have all of these thoughts running around in my head today, like "Geez, I have eight episodes of 30 Rock and The Graham Norton Show saved. Maybe I should watch those sometime." and "I wonder how much money we have in the coin bucket?" But mostly I've been thinking of clever ways to get off work. See, I have quite a bit of sick time accumulated, since I haven't caught a cold in a long time (one of the few benefits of getting older is that you've been exposed to more virus', and therefore, don't get sick as often, yay!), and since, unlike vacation, I won't get paid for unused sick time when I leave the company, I might as well try to use it up. So I've been daydreaming about what to do.
Mostly, I dream about being able to quit this job. About being able to afford my own home, spend as much time as I like with my husband, because life is short and his is probably going to be shorter than average, and own whatever animals I want (within reason). I'm envious of Susan at 29 Black Street because her life seems to be very much her own. She enjoys her work, takes great pleasure in her home and surroundings, and has a lot of time for her friends, human and non. I get frustrated and angry with myself because I'm not a stupid person, just lazy and undermotivated. I tend not to trust myself, even though I think I'm talented and have a good, if not great, story to tell. I wonder if sometimes I'm not afraid of success, if that's maybe why I self-sabotage. Or maybe it was growing up with people who sneered at worldly success, who belittled ambition and drive, who clearly communicated that desiring a comfortable lifestyle was bourgeois and probably evil. I was berated for what I wanted, and I think that can't help but effect a person as they develop.
I need to be careful, though, because as much as I would like to abandon most of my responsibilities and hightail it to the mountains, when I've felt this way before, I've done stupid things. Irresponsible things that got me fired and pushed me down this path. Maybe this blog isn't such a good idea.

More Sucking

FUUUUCK!!! Pardon while I shake my head and take a few deep breaths to help quell my exasperation. Just so you're warned, this is a rant.

So last year, I did really well for the company I work for. I personally know that I suck as an employee, but, according to their standards, I'm excellent. Wonderful. I love putting more money in the pockets of people who are already rich beyond belief. The "challenge" then, for this year, is to do even better, meaning, even more money for them, and more stress and headaches for me. This is my reward for doing so well, the "opportunity" to try and reach the unrealistic goals they have set for 2008. You know what would be nice? A performance-based bonus, say, maybe .5% of the profit that I earned for them last year, that would be motivational. But if I were to receive such a bonus, then I would probably leave this shit behind, because I could afford to. Where do the greedy bastards of the world get off? How do they possibly justify their need for more and more and more money? "Little Johnny can't possibly drive last year's model Porsche, how would that look to the neighbors?"

I am SO tired of working for grasping, avaricious, uncompassionate people. I'm tired of spending my talents and precious time for people who, frankly, are a waste of oxygen. They need the full-on Scrooge treatment, as if it would help. I hate the fact that I really need this job and that I'm probably going to have to bear with it for another year or two. But this is the promise I'll make myself: Every week, every day if possible, I will do something that furthers my goal of financial independence. I don't want to be reliant on these greedy motherfuckers for my livelihood.

Why I Suck

I'm a bad employee. I mean, I'm smart and clever and good with people, I could do my job so much better, but as it is I'm lazy and only put in what I would categorize as a mediocre effort. This effort, however, is enough that I keep my job and even get the occasional stroke from my boss, because in the field I'm in, there a lot of really, really sucky employees. People with bad attitudes and deceptive practices, who are rude, often ignorant, and uncooperative. No, I'm not in the legal field. But since I'm generally able and willing, and smile a lot, I skate by. Someday I'll probably not respond appropriately to a situation, and I'll get fired, but I'm not too worried about it, because I don't particularly like my job, but I'm too much of a coward to quit.

I'm not a good wife. Before he was disabled, my husband did a lot in the relationship. He cooked (he trained as a chef), cleaned, and made sure the bills got paid on time. I did some, particularly laundry and vacuuming, but he definitely did more. He wasn't exactly good with tools and things mechanical, but he could read a manual and, more often than not, figure it out. As his health declined and he became less able, I reacted badly. I was resentful because I had to take on more and more. I quit jobs because, he wasn't working, so why should I? I paid bills late, let chores pile up and generally tried to squirm out of responsibilities I felt were being forced on me. I was juvenile and defiant, for no good reason. Eventually, I got over it, but not before doing damage to my husband and our relationship.

I'm stubborn, contrary, and passive-aggressive to an extreme. I'm not just a rock in the stream, I'm the dam the stream has to flow over. If I don't want to do something, I won't, but I won't tell you that I won't do it, I'll just avoid and misdirect until you do it yourself or find someone else. And if I want to do something, I'll ask and ask and keep on asking until you say something that can be interpreted as yes, or I'll just go and do it and take the shit for it later. I get very determined to get my way, and it sometimes turns out badly.

I often react to cricitism poorly, I belch in a very manly style, and I don't shave my legs regularly. On the positive side, I floss religiously and have a nice set of tits.