Monday, March 16, 2009

5 Months and a Dream

I woke up early this morning with tears in my eyes, dripping on my pillow, not sobbing. I dreamt that I was sitting by Mom's hospital bed, talking with her, and she looked really good, like she did when she vacationed down here. She was smiling and animated, telling me very important things, things I needed to know, and I was paying close attention because I wanted, needed, to remember. I thought, I should be writing this down. And then I woke up.

It was still dark outside, weird for me to be up this early, but clearly my subconscious was at work. NSA was in a bad place of his own, so I sat on the couch with a blanket, waiting for my coffee to brew, watching the minutes tick by, reliving this morning five months ago moment by moment. I didn't remind NSA of what day it is, I don't know if he thought about it, nor did I tell him about my dream. Maybe I'm being selfish, or maybe I'm trying to spare him. It's hard to say.

I know that I'm moving forward, I mean, things progess, time marches on, it can't be stopped just because you need a breather or eight hundred, but I have very little faith in the future. Some days, I feel like I've had the shit kicked out of me, and just as I start to recover from one blow, another lands.

I can't remember what Mom was telling me in the dream, and that's why I was crying. It was important, and I woke up to the real world not remembering.


amyeliz said...

You're still mourning, and you will be for awhile. It's perfectly okay and perfectly natural. I lost my best friend 2 years ago. When I dream of her I know it's her way of just checking in and saying, "hey". I will always miss her, but I carry her with me wherever I go. Hugs.

Frank said...

My father passed away 8/24/08, and I talk to him every day. Mostly that I hope he is ok and knows that I did everything I could for him. I think it’s more than grieving. I think when we feel them like that it’s because they are still nearby. And somewhere in that haze between sleep and awake, we can almost touch worlds.

Susan said...

For sure you are still grieving. And I agree also with Frank that when we dream about them it's because they are nearby and talking to us. I know that you won't feel offended when I compare my grief for Jake to that of your losing your mother. You know I loved him like a person and he really was my family. Early the other morning I asked him to please send me a sign that he was still with me, with us and that night I had the most perfect dreams of the three of us. Miss D, Jake and I lying in the green grass, staring up at the clouds in the blue sky and racing through pastures near our beach. I woke up wishing with all my might that it wasn't a dream if only it could be true. I need to believe - I do believe - that he was sending me his love in those dreams of him.

Sending oodles of love your way. xo, S, Missy D, Oliver, Nessie & the Lil' Man

Lisa said...

I have had dreams of my grandma many times over the years. Sometimes it seems so real and I wake up feeling as if she had been to visit me in the night. It's really nice and not sad at all. I hope you have more good dreams of your mom.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I know that dream so well. Trying to hold on to the words and the voice is like trying to grab onto water. It's sad and frustrating and what a confusing way to wake up.

It gets better with time. It's a cliche, but it's true.