Lately...

I haven't been writing...like AT ALL. No journal, no blog, no memoir, pretty sad really. I have been tweeting, but only sporadically, and how much can you really accomplish in 140 characters or less? I keep promising myself I'll do better, but all that's proven is that I'm bad at keeping promises, even to myself. I have big ideas, but without follow through, ideas, big or small, mean nothing.
I've been watching too much T.V., letting myself get lost in other people's fantasies. It's easy, which is such a trap for me. I've been doing nothing creative, and very little that's healthy. I haven't worked out since leaving California, and Alaska makes it expensive to eat well.
I socialize more than I did in So Cal, there are so many people I know here and it's generally okay to drop in for a cup of coffee and a chat, but I'm not sure how productive it is. I feel the love and support, but there's no real impetus to change or be better. Also, it can be a huge time-suck.

I'm dealing with a beautiful but moody boy-cat who gets upset easily and likes to pee in inappropriate places, like MY BED. He's one of Mom's cats and I tried to adopt him out, unsuccessfully. He spent three months in the local shelter, which did not help at all.

New Year's Resolutions I Can Live With

1. Drink more red wine.  Two (6 oz.) glasses a day is okay.
2. Eat more healthy seafood.  I kind of forgot how yummy salmon is, and fish-oil capsules give you nasty burps.
3. Ask for help when I need it.  There are lots of people who love and support me, but they're not mind readers.

My Unrequited Love For Katy Perry

I don't know why I've developed such a thing for Ms. Perry, it kind of snuck up on me.  Maybe because she started out as a Christian artist, but then decided she wanted more success and went the sexy, secular route, undoubtedly disappointing her parents.  Maybe because some people trash her for this, while I find it laudable.  I think Lady Gaga is a better artist and more original, but Katy makes me laugh.  "California Gurls" and "Teenage Dream" just make me want to dance around in my underwear and giggle uncontrollably.  I want to say she makes me feel fifteen again, but the truth is that I was too self-conscious to ever feel that free when I was fifteen, so I guess it's most accurate to say that she makes me feel how I wish I could have felt when I was a teenager, or something like that.  I love that she married Russell Brand, 'cause he's wild and hot and funny, even though I don't think it will last, I hope it does.  She seems more down-to-earth than Brittany, and I love that she's not conventionally gorgeous, but has a bit of character to her face.  I can't wait to see how she develops as an artist, and what fascinating chaos and implosions her future might hold.

39,000,000

Big number, huh?  That's the number of sexually abused children in the U. S., according to Darkness 2 Light.  Thirty-nine MILLION.  Million.  Mind BLOWN.  And I'm one of them.  One in six boys.  One in FOUR girls.  And that's just the U.S.  It's really tripping me out right now, I guess because I try not to think about it much, and when I do, I minimize (it could have been worse, I was actually kind of lucky...).  It can be a lot to deal with, and I don't think I've necessarily done a very good job of it.  I'm not an addict, not a prostitute (although I did come close).  There's still so much anger, so much shit that I don't know what to do with.  I need to call my therapist, and maybe find a lawyer.

The Sound of a Single Shot

it echoes and echoes and echoes...

Sometime in the dark of the late night or early morning of October 23rd or 24th, my little brother ended his life.  No one heard the single gunshot, or if they did, they didn't know what it meant.  Dismissed it as a car back fire maybe, or wrote it off as a warning to a bear.  Gunshots aren't uncommon in rural Alaska, sometimes if you hear a succession, you might wonder what the hell is going on, but people rarely call the police.
He lay in the grass by the edge of the canyon for twelve or fourteen hours before Olga found him.  I think of the stillness of the night, the dew settling, I can't remember if it frosted or not, not that it's really important.  I feel bad for her, finding him that way, it must have been terrible and shocking.  She knew him all his life, he played with her kids, she must have wondered, like all of us, how could I not have known? why didn't I see?
He shot himself in the head with a gun taken from an unlocked safe in a office.  There was a note, a passed-in-class note, in which he and an unidentified friend wrote.  One of the things he wrote was about shooting himself at the edge of the canyon and rolling down the steep slope, how peaceful it might be.  The friend never said anything, obviously thought he was just talking, wasn't serious.  So much guilt, so many unanswered questions.
There were signs, of course there were signs!, but no one was really paying attention, including me.  I spoke with him on the phone a couple of weeks before, and he didn't want to talk to me.  Had to be pestered to tell me he loved me, so unlike him.  I should have known then that there was something wrong, I just thought he was being a moody teenager.
Fifteen years ago, that's quite a while in human terms.  Time passes, life goes on, as they say.  And I hope he's a part of something larger now; the wind and the grass, the earth and the rain, the dark sky and the shimmering stars that were his only witnesses that lost, lonely night.

More Movie Mash-Ups!

This is a bit ridiculous, but my highly-associative brain just kept churning these out. So far, I have a hundred and twenty!  There's just too many to post at once, so I think I'm going to start Monday Movie Mash-Ups!  And we'll see how many weeks I can keep it going.  Here's a taste, you know you want more....

1. A female writer searches for herself around the world while Aussie students led by Francis O'Connor discuss life, love and films, and attempt to finish college.
2. A spaceship piloted by Rahda Mitchell crash lands on a freaky planet only to discover an angry black man trying to reform a wild young thing by chaining her to a radiator.
3. In a Star Trek parody, Tim Allen and his crew of T.V. has-beens help real live aliens and Neanderthal man fight their intergalactic enemies and search for a source of light and heat.
4. Three blonde sisters deal with their curmudgeonly father, while a crew of Navy misfits has to prove that they aren't losers by beating other submariners at their own game, with riotous results.
5. In this French film, Johnny Depp's baby-mama unexpectedly takes up with a knife thrower, and Japanese POW's resist and resist, but end up having to build the damn thing anyway. 

That's all for now.  Enjoy!  And check back next week...

Movie Mash-Ups

Okay, big thanks to Cat for the inspiration, but I'm afraid my head is going to be whirling with these for a while. For now, I'll give you the best I've come up with.

1. Johnny Depp befriends a boy who's mother is dying, writes a children's classic and helps a group of little lost dinosaurs reunite with their families.
2. A little girl discovers a belief in Santa Claus thanks to a large department store and Keanu Reeves, the only good cop in all of Los Angeles.
3. Four friends go for a bachelor party in Vegas, only to lose the their memories and the groom, and discover Sylvester Stallone arm-wrestling.
4. Brittany Murphy follows her boyfriend to Japan, where he dumps her. She learns to cook while Angelina Jolie spends time with Winona Ryder in the loony bin.
5. Queen Latifah changes Steve Martin's life forever as an unwelcome guest, as unwelcome as the dead bodies in Rob Zombie's timeless masterpiece.
6. George Clooney flies around the country firing people while Brendan Fraser, Steve Buscemi and Adam Sandler hold a radio station hostage until their demo tape is played.

That's all for now. Leave me comments if you can't figure out the answers, although IMDb is wonderfully helpful.