Makes Me Wonder

So one of the random things I like to do is click on the "Next Blog" button when I'm on Blogger. It's kind of cool, the blogs that come up, truly international, often mundane, little peeks into other lives. One of the things I've noticed is how many LDS blogs there are. Family blogs, ward blogs, like a really high proportion of people on Blogger are also Mormon. I don't think it means anything, other than blogging is an easy way to keep in touch with friends and family, but it is weird.

Currently Enjoying

• The April issue of InStyle. I'm not a huge fan of women's magazines since they're generally so overloaded with ads (why would I want to pay for ads? even the articles are advertorials!), but I like the fashion and the colors and it makes me feel girlie.
• Tadpoles! My dwarf frogs have laid eggs before, but none, to my knowledge, have ever hatched. Now I've spent more money (special food, protective net) on five little wigglers than it would have cost me to buy five more frogs. And I don't even want five more frogs! Oh well. If they survive, maybe I can find them a good home.
• CQ French Pink nail polish. I hate fussing with my nails, they tear and catch and never look good, but this stuff is slightly matte and barely pink, so even when it chips or flakes, you can't really tell. Yay! for low-maintenance nails.
• Sharon's Lemon Sorbet. Yum, yum, yum!! Wicked tasty, fat-free and only 130 calories a serving. Which means I can eat the better part of a pint, like I did last night, and not feel like a bloated cow.
• Pink and yellow roses. The rosebushes outside my office are particularly lovely this year, with huge, fragrant blossoms that vary in shading from pale yellow to perfect pink. They have that essential tea-rose scent that makes me close my eyes and remember a lovely summer day at a seaside village in Denmark.

Six Word Memoir

Always acting without regard for consequences.

I was tagged by Susan, and I wasn't going to participate, mostly because I felt too busy and didn't want to, but it kind of crept up on me. I found myself thinking about specific words, and how they might apply to my life. And I found this image, which is part of a set of notecards I picked up years ago at a discount store in L.A. There's four images by Michael Parkes which I intended to mount in a four-picture frame, but I discovered I would have to crop the images to make them fit, and so I've done nothing with any of it. So goes many of the crafty projects I plan. I find (as I'm sure most people do) Michael Parkes' "magical realism" beautiful and ethereal, and this image seems to speak specifically to how I feel about my life. Lots of beauty and wonder, fearlessness, but also anxiety and uncertainty. The ballerina appears graciously unconcerned, even though her slender rope is on fire. (I'm probably infringing some copyright by even posting the image, but I doubt anyone pays that much attention to my little blog. At least I hope not.)
Anyway, I'm not going to tag anyone else, at least not right now, maybe at some future point I will.

Something New Every Day

Valencia, Spain, and other Spanish towns and cities I'm sure, has this festival every March called Fallas. I'm not Catholic, and it is to honor St. Joseph, so maybe that's why I've never heard of it. It looks pretty cool, I came across some pictures at http://miradasymomentos.blogspot.com/, so I thought I would check it out further.
I was impressed by the flair and detail of the sculptures, obviously created with much love and dedication, but what impressed me more was that they're burned at the end of the festival. A sort of sacrifice. Pretty pagan if you ask me, but hey, any excuse for a party.

Bitter Taste

Feeling frustrated and somewhat antsy, it's been that kind of week. The good news is that I finished the taxes (fucking ON TIME even!) and we'll be getting some money back. The bad news is that my computer did some sort of "memory dump" Saturday, maybe due to a virus or some other hacker shit like that, or maybe because it's a worthless piece of crap. But the end result is I'm worried that I've lost the last four years of my journal and the first 19,000 words of my autobiography. I know that most of the information is backed up, somewhere, but ease of recovery is an issue. Also, there is the nagging thought that it might be due to my former employer, Asshole McBastard, who I Internet modeled for, and who has all of my personal information and a nasty, paranoid disposition. He was always imagining people were out to get him, and he would overreact BADLY to the slightest threat, real or perceived. I can't believe I worked for him as long as I did! I never did anything except earn him boatloads of money, and yet the vindictive dickhead cost me income and lashed out at me when I DARED quit. He's very computer and Internet savvy, and could still be haunting me even though this was years ago, he's just that kind of prick.
I found out about him mostly because it's hard to hide a psycho, pistol-carrying girlfriend, and because he was careless about most things, including leaving his head meds around. I gradually realized exactly how paranoid and screwed up he was, and what I had gotten myself into, but by that time, all I could do was try to minimize the fallout. He has all of my personal information, a model's release, and there is the distinct possibility that he recorded me without permission. Am I worried that all of this will come back to bite me on the ass? Oh yes. But worrying really is of no use. Right now I just need to figure out what I can do to recover my files and prevent this shit from happening again. Maybe I need a new computer too.
Ending on an "up" note: It's gorgeously sunny, perfect open-toe shoe weather. I really like the new Unlimited Mulberry lip color I bought yesterday, and I want to pick up a copy of the latest In Style magazine because I adore the haircut Renee Zellweger has on the cover. NSA and I had a rare and pleasant dinner out last night. We went to an upscale diner nearby, and their onion rings were fantastic, perfectly crunchy and not too oily.

Dilemma

I really want to work for myself, the only problem is that I suck as a boss.

After Lunch

All I can say is that "Garlic Delight" hummus and Triscuits make for some pretty powerful dragon breath. Woe to all who enter my office this afternoon!

Whew!

I've been laid out for the past couple of days with a bout of intestinal nastiness. Nothing like an icky little virus, and accompanying blinding headache, to force you to pause and reflect. I've been on a bit of a downward trajectory lately (lately??, for awhile now), and Mom visiting didn't help. Or maybe it did, since it was good to see her, and the things going on in her life help bring my problems into focus. And then I saw this photo series thanks to Dooce, which broke my heart and made me cry, and think, and cry. Most of these men and women died of cancer, most of them look pretty healthy, some of them seem very young. I guess I'm preparing myself for the inevitable. Mom is 69, which isn't young, and she isn't taking the usual steps to control her cancer, and while she believes in miracles, I have my doubts. She's lived her life continuously procrastinating, denying, and avoiding, mostly to her detriment; why would I think she would treat dying any differently?
It's interesting when I find themes from my life echoing in the wider world, but then, there is always a commonality of experience. I'm not afraid of death, I'm afraid of how I'll feel when Mom dies. I don't want to hurt, don't want to grieve, don't want to clean up the mess she'll leave behind. And thinking about these things isn't easy, and makes me face up to how and what I've been doing with my life. It's not a particularly great assessment. But that can change, and I really need change right now.