Friday, April 4, 2008

Whew!

I've been laid out for the past couple of days with a bout of intestinal nastiness. Nothing like an icky little virus, and accompanying blinding headache, to force you to pause and reflect. I've been on a bit of a downward trajectory lately (lately??, for awhile now), and Mom visiting didn't help. Or maybe it did, since it was good to see her, and the things going on in her life help bring my problems into focus. And then I saw this photo series thanks to Dooce, which broke my heart and made me cry, and think, and cry. Most of these men and women died of cancer, most of them look pretty healthy, some of them seem very young. I guess I'm preparing myself for the inevitable. Mom is 69, which isn't young, and she isn't taking the usual steps to control her cancer, and while she believes in miracles, I have my doubts. She's lived her life continuously procrastinating, denying, and avoiding, mostly to her detriment; why would I think she would treat dying any differently?
It's interesting when I find themes from my life echoing in the wider world, but then, there is always a commonality of experience. I'm not afraid of death, I'm afraid of how I'll feel when Mom dies. I don't want to hurt, don't want to grieve, don't want to clean up the mess she'll leave behind. And thinking about these things isn't easy, and makes me face up to how and what I've been doing with my life. It's not a particularly great assessment. But that can change, and I really need change right now.

4 comments:

Lisa said...

You are such a good writer. Everything you write reads so smoothly that it seems it must be effortless for you.

I look really look forward to reading your entries.

Susan said...

Hey J. I think you should pick up the Eckhart book. Honestly it's page after page of life changing zingers. I'd love to know what you think of it.

I read a chapter and then I listen to Oprah & Eckhart discuss for 90 minutes (a podcast that I download) while I'm drawing, they also take calls and email questions from all kinds of different people who are struggling with life, as we all are, in our own individual ways.

Oprah talks in Chapter 5 about losing her 13 year old soul mate dog Sophie which was so meaningful for me - the book and it's ideas have already helped me tremendously in turning the corner from dark to light.

We hope you're feeling better

cheers from warm & sunny Nova Scotia,
xo S & Winn

Kathy said...

Hi, I just stumbled into your blog via dooce and this blog entry really hits home for me too. I mean, who can't relate to the fear of losing Mom!?! I think it's one of those subjects that we try to avoid thinking about for as long as possible...still...it's there. I hope she's doing well!!

Robyn said...

I lived with that cloud over my head all my life. Would I survive the pain of losing my mom. When it finally happened (2 years ago) I got through it and you will too. Try not to think of it. You still have time to enjoy with her. One day at a time.