This morning, I read Susan's blog over at 29 Black Street, and I can totally relate to how she's feeling. I need to make some big and serious changes in my life, changes for my health, sanity and future. Right now, I'm spinning my wheels, getting nowhere, paying bills and surviving, but not much more than that. I'm in this place, physically and emotionally, as a result of bad decisions and unhappy circumstance, and I need to figure out how to turn it around, preferably sooner.
I have a job I don't like. No big surprise there, that describes 90% of the people I know, but it pays the bills and keeps a roof over our heads, which is important, even more so when your spouse is disabled on a fixed income. I don't like being the sole breadwinner, and it makes it that much harder to change jobs or take time off. Everything I do has more impact because it's not just me I'm making decisions for. That was a hard-learned lesson.
It's occurred to me lately that I was happier when I was stripping. I know it sounds weird, but I was married, had flexible hours, worked with people I liked, and had a lot less stress than I do now. Of course, other things were different too. NSA wasn't disabled, was much healthier, and I was younger and more optimistic. I have determined that I don't enjoy making already rich people richer, it cramps my soul and I feel withered and diminished.
So I've got to come up with a workable plan to change my life and lift my spouse and myself out of this situation. I don't think it's going to be easy, and I know it will take time. And I've got to be careful, because rash decisions and poor implementation are why I'm here now.