Friday, September 12, 2008

Buried In An Avalanche Of Shit

This is what's going on in my life right now, and, FUCK ME!, am I ever sorry I complained about last year. I guess I was just asking for more punishment with my bitching.
NSA and I are in a trial separation. He's in Colorado visiting his family, trying to spend time with his father, who has prostate cancer. His dad, however, is not inclined to see much of his family, since mostly they want his money and don't have much regard for him. NSA couldn't give a shit about his dad's money, he's just interested in spending time with the old man before he dies. He's being tarred with the same brush as the rest of his siblings though, and his father's new wife is playing dragon at the gate and keeping everyone away. NSA is understandably pissed off and frustrated. It took a lot out of him just to get to Colorado, and he doesn't particularly enjoy living with the bitching, petty jealousies, and infighting that make up his familial interactions. On the plus side, comparatively, life with me in SoCal now doesn't seem so bad.
My mother is in the hospital dealing with the symptoms of her cancer. She's had to have fluid removed from her right lung again, and she's in a considerable amount of pain. She's to the point where she'll consider surgery, chemotherapy and radiation, but, according to her doctor, it's probably too late. Probably just a matter of months, weeks maybe. The cancer has metastasized to her lung and possibly her bones as well. So I'm trying to plan what will most likely be my last trip to see my mother alive. Thank you sir, may I have another?
I'm trying to practice the survival techniques you're taught for bad situations, like avalanches. Things like, don't panic, remain calm, assess the situation. But I feel like my air is running out and I'm afraid help won't arrive in time.


Lisa said...

I'm sorry that things are so bad right now. That really sucks. The only thing I can offer is to try to take good care of yourself right now. Are you opposed to Xanax?

I hope things improve soon.

Susan said...

I'm so sorry J. Lisa's right take extra good care of yourself. Lots of deep healing breaths and my favourite is Ativan & Ginger (ale on ice). Sending lots of love and strength and hugs from all of us here at 29 Black St. xo Susan

American Fairy Tales said...

I can empathize, you have my deepest condolences regarding everything. I know what it's like having a parent deal with cancer (and terminal, at that) while being far away. My own mother passed away back in '01 from colon cancer; I spent a lot of time flying around the country to spend time with her. Never going to the doctor for regular checkups it wasn't caught until way too late. I do hope, though, that with your mother the situation is different.

Trying to keep this short, I've also been through some horrible times regarding relationships. All I can tell you is that you will make it through all this, and more than likely you'll come out the other end stronger and happier. I know it sounds all wrong right now, but in many ways that is what happened for me.

I have a personal aversion toward anti-depressants, but do what you need to do. There is no wrong way on this one. Just make sure you keep focused and find ways to keep some semblance of sanity.

amy said...

I'm sorry for what you're going through. Also, I really appreciate the kind and encouraging comments you've left on my blog. You're a good person. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Lisa said...

Just to be clear, the medication I mentioned, as well as the one Susan mentioned, are NOT anti-depressants. They are simply medications designed to alleviate an acute anxiety issue. They can provide some relief during times of terrible stress. Not at all the same as anti-depressants.

peachofatl said...

It sounds like you have a lot going on. I believe in yoga, good music, a strong drink and staying around good people who can make you laugh.