Monday, September 15, 2008

Some Small Resolve

I slept really badly last night, mostly because a) I was worried about my Mom being back in the hospital, and the possibility that she could die before I see her, b) my boss was being less than supportive about me going to see my Mom (!!!) and c) I'm missing NSA badly and am stressing because he's always been there to support me and offer help. If you've read some of my past entries, you know that I can be really critical of my mom and the choices she's made (like NOT TREATING HER CANCER), but she's still my mother and I love her dearly and I will miss her when she's gone. I'm not looking forward to cleaning up the mess she'll leave behind, but that's a whole different post.
My boss was giving me a hard time about taking a fucking week off to go see my dying mother. This is even though I have weeks of vacation time accrued, not to mention over a week of sick leave and a couple of personal days too. I know I didn't ask for the time off the requisite month in advance, but I think this qualifies as a personal emergency and FUCK the rules, help me out here, like I do when you come to me with a project that must be taken care of immediately. She did come through, I just had to toss and turn for a night first.
NSA is sorry he went out to Colorado, it hasn't been great for his health and most of his family are wallet-draining vampires, but he's been able to see his father and spend some time with his mom, so it's not a total waste of time and money. And I've discovered some things too, like, you know how sometimes in a relationship, one person loves and cares more about the other person? Not that they don't love each other, but that it's not exactly equal. That was how I felt about NSA, like he loved me a little bit more than I loved him. Not any more. I took him for granted, which was childish and selfish, and I love and miss him deeply. It's like losing a leg, I'm functional, but hobbled and hurting without him. I'm glad I understand that now.
So Thursday, I'm off to the wilds of Alaska to see my mom, probably for the last time, with my very expensive plane ticket (but isn't that what plastic is for?) I'll take pictures, and maybe even post them, so you can see where I come from. And that might explain a lot.

9 comments:

Imez said...

I feel like I've come into the middle of a very deep and private conversation. So I'll just say, I really like your blog, and Hold Fast.

Stinkypaw said...

Tell you boss to shove it, and go see your mom without guilt. Hope you'll make it in time and have some quality time with her. Cherish those last moments.

Susan said...

Wow Alaska another nugget of knowing J. Take lots of photos please, hope you have a great long week with your Mom ... and aren't all long term relationships a bit like yours. The scales always tipped in one direction, never completely balanced and equal "and" it's SO easy to take people, life for that matter, for granted - it's human nature. Take good care & Love from all of us. xo, S, Winn and the three boys.

Sass said...

I'll be thinking of you.

Thank you for such a heartfelt post.

~sass

Melliferous Pants said...

Oh man, heartbreaking! And your boss can SHOVE IT. Giving you a hard time for taking time off to go see your dying mother makes her deserving of the douchebag of the year award.

Have a safe trip.

anya said...

J, that's exactly what those trial separations are for. So people can realize what they've lost before it is too late.

Safe travel. I look forward to your photos.

amy said...

I'm glad you went to be with your mom. Again, I'm sorry you're going through this. My thoughts are with you.

Kitty Cat said...

I basically feel the same as Imez - I found your blog on Life of Luxuries blog, and let me just say, that post has me feeling all sorts of emotions for your. My friend lost her dad to cancer recently...it's never easy. My thoughts are with you.

Susan said...

Hey J, thinking about you ! Hope you are having a good visit with your Mom way up there North to Alaska, xo S & the gang.