Pictures of My Cat

Yeah, that's what I'm reduced to. Not actually, though. I'm thinking about everything everyone else is thinking about (the New Year, resolutions, year-in-review, etc.), I just don't feel like writing about any of it, not right now at least. So I thought I would introduce you to the newest member of the family.

This is Yin Yin. She's adorable, isn't she? She was my mom's cat, one of the two I had to take to the shelter when I was there in September. I felt hideously guilty, especially since her pal, a long-haired Siamese boy, was adopted right away. She basically just hid in that scary environment, so there wasn't much hope of her finding a home. I told myself, and NSA, that if she was still there when I went back, then I was going to bring her with me. And I did, even though we have two cats already and NSA is slightly allergic.

She's a little thing, about five pounds, half the size of my other two. Jezebel and Delilah, big, grey tabbies, are like linebackers compared to Yin Yin's calico/Siamese ballerina. And they're jealous, of course, but they're getting over it since she's pretty inoffensive. They give kitten kisses, and she doesn't, so they've got that, but she is a real cuddler, often in my lap and sleeping on top of me.

We've really bonded. I don't know if it's because I smell similar to Mom, or if it's just because I'm the nice lady who rescued her from the bad place. But she's one good, tiny thing that's come out of the bleak morass of the past few months.

I like the glowy shadow effect the camera gives when she moves around during the low light function.

(teh flash is TOO bright!! it makes me squinchy-eyed.)

Merry Blogiversary To Me

I can't believe it's been a year already (well, actually, a year and a day, I'm a little behind, as usual), and what a year it's been! A huge amount of heartbreak, sadness, pain, but hope too. I labelled 2007 the worst year of my life, and I think that still holds true (so far). 2008 has been pretty rough, but good has come from the tragedy. I think I've grown up considerably in the last twelve months, pain and loss will do that, though I definitely have more growing to do.
Strangely, I feel like I'm getting back to my old self; the happy, unworried person I used to be. I can't say exactly why this is, except that I'm gaining perspective, and whereas before I was unworried because not a lot of bad things had happened, now I feel I'm unworried because bad things have definitely happened, and I've survived. I've had moments of crushing anxiety, crippling emotional hurt, urges to just give up and run away, and I haven't. I've done the mature thing and tried to deal with my problems in a sane and rational manner. It hasn't been easy, but I'm more honest and straightforward than I ever have been.
This blog has helped a lot. Being able to express myself without self-censoring, without fear of judgement or criticism is fantastically freeing, even if I have to do it in relative anonymity. And there is so much wonderful support out there in the blogosphere, especially from Susan and Anya, Cat and Sass, Lisa and Amy and Miss P. All of your kind words, helpful comments and understanding, help probably more than you will ever know. Thank you.

A Little Something

I heard this on the radio while I was in Alaska for Mom's funeral. It made me laugh when I really needed it. I don't know who read it, but if it's the author, Jonathan Goldstein, then he sounds a lot like Mo Rocca. Please to enjoy. *bows*
http://www.guiltandpleasure.com/index.php?site=rebootgp&page=gp_article&id=14

Overrated/Underrated

So, yeah, I think I stole this idea from Miss P., who I'm sure copied it from someone else. Like Shakespeare said, "There is nothing new under the sun." (And how many years ago was that?)

Five Overrated Things:

1. Jessica Simpson- I personally think she sold her soul to the devil. How else can someone that untalented remain so successful?
2. Flip-flops- But mostly the people who wear them constantly. Unless you live in Southeast Asia.
3. Christmas- Seriously, it's fucking crazy how much time and trouble people put in to this holiday. And I prefer personal holidays anyway.
4. Award shows- Thank God for DVR, because I'd never be able to get through the dreck otherwise. And seeing them live is even worse.
5. Non-GMO foods- I'll probably catch some shit for this one, but really, people have been genetically modifying stuff since the beginning of agriculture. Crops that freeze at lower temperatures, need less water and resist bugs without pesticides are good things.

Five Underrated Things:

1. Jennifer Jason Leigh- Wicked smart and super talented. Not conventionally beautiful, and so, underappreciated.
2. Black beans- Yummy, high in fiber, and go with just about anything.
3. Good tires- I get terrified every time it rains because so many assholes in Southern California are driving around on bald tires and don't remember what "braking distance" is.
4. The U.S. Postal Service- If you've tried mailing anything from many foreign countries, you understand.
5. Silk Soy Nog- Seriously goooood shit with almost none of the bad crap that's in regular egg nog.

Maniacal

Do you ever have really destructive tendencies? Like, elaborate and well-thought-out revenge fantasies that are frightening in their detail and specificity? Or pitch-black thoughts that make you suddenly realize how Dr. Mengele must have felt? Yeah, me neither.

My Ass Is SORE!!

And not for any good reason (like horseback riding, you with the duurrty minds!) No, my posterior is tender from the SERIOUS chewing out it got from my boss yesterday. See, this past quarter, my performance has been off, not surprisingly, what with my mom dying and all. So, in the spirit of Christmas, my boss calls me on the carpet to tell me that my job is in danger. This from the same woman who offered support and proffered understanding, but hung me out to dry when it came down to it. What really burns me is that I know of at least two other employees who are having the same problems I am, without the same obstacles. I have consistently been a top performer, so it feels really unfair to bust my chops over three bad months.
I've long suspected that my boss is pretty heartless when it comes down to it. Last summer, a co-worker had a really bad stomach infection, he was in the hospital for a couple of weeks and then out for about another six weeks recovering. The way she treated him when he returned, you'd think he pissed on her grandmother's grave. She treated him like total shit because he got sick. He tried to warn me when I talked about what Mom was going through, but I thought maybe he was exaggerating, I didn't want to think she would be so uncaring. Boy, was I wrong!
In all fairness, I think she's worried about her job too. In these shaky economic times, everyone's feeling the pressure and no one is immune, but her anger and anxiety do nothing to endear her to me. Time to step up the job search, get my exit strategy in place, and be happy that the GFOD (get the fuck outta Dodge) fund is pretty healthy.

In A "P" Mood

...meaning, pathetic, pitiful and pissy. Also pretty, but pimply too (WHY is my back breaking out? And my neck? I didn't have these problems when I was a teen...) I'm also stressed, but in this case, "put-upon" is a better phrase. I know that even with everything that's gone on this year, I have a lot to be thankful for, there's so much goodness and beauty in the world, but it's hard to see when you feel eaten up by fear and worry. And the holidays remind me of a lot of bad shit; old arguments and dashed hopes and the constant thought that next year will be better. There are good memories too, but right now, my mind bends towards the bad.

It's weird, and hopeful, that while economically, things are tough and people are struggling, I've never seen so many Christmas lights and displays in the neighborhood, a lot more than in years past. And it makes me a little happy, until I think, Oh sure, unemployed people have waaay more time on their hands to do things like decorate.

Happy Thanksgiving!

So I put these stupid boundaries on my blogging, what I'll write about and when and a certain order to things, and I end up not writing anything at all. Or starting a bunch of posts, but not finishing or publishing them. Which is most definitely not the point of blogging! (When did I start writing in sentence fragments? When did that become acceptable? Mrs. Parsons would be so irritated!)
These past couple of weeks were pretty rough. NSA had a CT scan Tuesday, November 25th, and we had to wait for the results until the following Wednesday. He has a steady pain in his lower left back that could be a lot of things, but one of the possibilities that his gastrointernist, Dr. Valkyrie mentioned, almost casually, was pancreatic cancer. Pancreatic cancer is one of the worst, meaning that by the time you show symptoms, it's pretty much already too late. Average lifespan is like five months from diagnosis to death. And it just so happens that one of my favorite comedians of all time, Bill Hicks, died of it. I was freaking out a little. Okay, a lot, given my recent history, but trying not to show it.
The "cancer answer" was, thankfuckinggod!!, no. (But I did have a post planned titled Excuse Me While I Freak Out For A While, if the answer was yes, because I definitely would have needed a break from blogging.) And a part of me, that strange little detached part, whispered that if NSA did have cancer, that it would be almost unbelievable, that it would stretch the bounds of reality, especially in the blogosphere, to have my mother, my husband, my father-in-law, and my mother-in-law all have cancer in the same year. Who would believe it? So now I have something to celebrate. The "cancer answer" was NO! (Although we still don't know what the pain is...) Happy Thanksgiving!