I've been worried, to some degree or another, for the past couple of years. Most of the worrys stem from loved one's health issues, but then there's the general never-enough-money worries and the I'm-not-where-I-want-to-be blues also. I'm not usually an anxious person, and the pressure and fretfulness have a corrosive effect on my personality. I'm snappish and mean, emotional, and I don't like it.
Here's what I've realized:
- The job I have right now is a bad fit for me. It's not creative, it's more responsibility than I want, and it asks me to behave in ways I find objectionable.
- I don't like big city life any more. I get pissy with the lack of privacy, rude people and being too far away from nature. I don't want to live in the boonies, but a smaller place would be better.
- I'm tired of feeling poor. Having a disabled spouse contributes to this feeling, but so does the cost of living in a big city. There are definitely less expensive places to live.
- I don't do enough to feed my soul, and I think souls need to be fed, regularly. I've abandoned interesting hobbies and am instead becoming a snail.
- I've devalued friendship and community in my life. I don't know if this an attitude thing, an introspection thing, or what, but it needs to change. I need it to change.
I'm still working things out, there are lots of difficulties and details that have to be dealt with, but I think 2009 is going to be a good year, maybe the best year of my life. Or maybe it's just the chocolate talking.