Saturday, January 10, 2009

Feeling Strangely Fine

I don't really know why, except that I think a few things have gelled for me recently. Admittedly, Mom's death hit me hard, harder than expected, but it also clarified some things, as major events are wont to do. And as time passes, the grief and trauma settle a bit, the pain eases, and I'm able to reflect.
I've been worried, to some degree or another, for the past couple of years. Most of the worrys stem from loved one's health issues, but then there's the general never-enough-money worries and the I'm-not-where-I-want-to-be blues also. I'm not usually an anxious person, and the pressure and fretfulness have a corrosive effect on my personality. I'm snappish and mean, emotional, and I don't like it.
Here's what I've realized:
  • The job I have right now is a bad fit for me. It's not creative, it's more responsibility than I want, and it asks me to behave in ways I find objectionable.
  • I don't like big city life any more. I get pissy with the lack of privacy, rude people and being too far away from nature. I don't want to live in the boonies, but a smaller place would be better.
  • I'm tired of feeling poor. Having a disabled spouse contributes to this feeling, but so does the cost of living in a big city. There are definitely less expensive places to live.
  • I don't do enough to feed my soul, and I think souls need to be fed, regularly. I've abandoned interesting hobbies and am instead becoming a snail.
  • I've devalued friendship and community in my life. I don't know if this an attitude thing, an introspection thing, or what, but it needs to change. I need it to change.

I'm still working things out, there are lots of difficulties and details that have to be dealt with, but I think 2009 is going to be a good year, maybe the best year of my life. Or maybe it's just the chocolate talking.


Sass said...

J, I genuinely hope it is. You deserve it.

You found your way back into my post today.

You're sneaky like that. ;)

Susan said...

My soul is a broken field,
plowed by pain.

Sara Teasdale (1884- 1933)

hear ya !
sending lots of love, support and courage to So-Cal from the land of ice and snow.

Susan, Winnie, Bleet, Oliver & Gus

anya said...

No, J, the chocolate is merely a conduit to your soul. You get the same benefit from wine, but you recover from the chocolate quicker!

Seems to me you've taken the first...possibly most important...step. Figuring out what is going wrong and not working for you. You stated each area of concern so clear and succinctly. That is the first half of the battle. Frankly, I think the most painful part.

Lisa said...

Sometimes we have to experience some misery in order to do what it takes to change things. That's why I think it is a mistake for people to start anti-depressants when really they are just having a bad case of "sucky life syndrome". The good news is that you CAN change it and it WILL be better.