Suppressing Urges

So, yeah, I think my days at this job are seriously numbered since I'm having a harder and harder time not telling that obnoxious little twat-faced bitch exactly what I think of her. I am so totally FUCKING over it!!!

January 23, 1939

My mother would have been 70 last Friday. This knowledge nibbled at my consciousness all week. I got a couple of calls from her friends, one of whom has a key to her house and called me from there, so when I looked at my cell to see who it was, it came up "Mom," since I haven't deleted her number. It was a sweet gesture, but kind of creepy too. It's nice to see how missed Mom is, but it also makes me wonder why she didn't want to stick around longer. There are so many people who loved her. Of course, some of these are the same people who fully supported her in not treating her cancer, so I guess it cuts both ways.
NSA and I are probably going to Alaska this summer, to take care of some things that really can't be handled remotely. I'm not sure how long we'll be there, but long enough that I'll most likely have to leave this job, which is perfectly fine with me. I think I'm overdue for a career change.

Soundtrack To My Mother's Death

1. King of the Road, Roger Miller- This was on the radio the first morning I was back to visit, and we also watched Talladega Nights while I was there. Mom smiled at a few spots in the movie, she really liked goofball comedies, but I don't think she was in a place to enjoy it much.
2. Ever Present Past, Paul McCartney- Flying up, I couldn't stop listening to this on my MP3 player. I just kept scrolling back and listening again and again, something I don't think I've done since I was a teenager. Mom saw the Beatles when they appeared on Ed Sullivan, and the lyrics, about how time goes by so fast, were just so apropos.
3. Exodus & Redemption Song, Bob Marley- Mom completely adored reggae, particularly Bob Marley and Peter Tosh, and these two songs were among her favorites.
4. Starry-eyed Surprise, Shifty- The only "rap" song Mom liked. During her last visit to So Cal, she asked me to turn it up when it came on the radio.
5. Morning Has Broken, Cat Stevens- A modern hymn that Mom never tired of.
6. Fandango Nights, Willie and Lobo- The local radio station played this as background music and Mom was so enamored that she called one of the managers, a friend of hers, who burned a copy and brought it to the hospital for her. We listened to the Puerto Vallarta Squeeze album a lot in the days that followed.
7. Fix You, Coldplay- I'd heard the song before, but it was only after Mom and I watched Young at Heart together that it really made an impact on me. The soaring crescendo near the end followed by the lone, spare voice moves me to tears.
8. What's Going On, Four Non-Blondes- Another song my mom liked. A friend performed a rough but lovely version of it at her memorial.
9. Let Peace Begin With Me, Sy Miller and Jill Jackson- My mom's truest wish for the world, and she really did think it began with her.
10. Dark Side of the Moon, Pink Floyd- The quintessential psychedelic hippie song. She loved the spoken line close to the end of the song, "There is no dark side of the moon, it's all dark."

Three months ago today, and while things soften with time, it still hurts.

Hmmm...

So I post about how I need more community in my life, and this postcard shows up in my mailbox. There's no artist credit, and it's for a local church that I'm not at all interested in attending, but I like the image. It looks constructed from three or four different sources, with some cool effects added. Whoever did it has a decent amount of talent and flair, maybe they put it together as a form of tithing. I think the choice of the fence is interesting, a bit exclusive or exclusionary, maybe not exactly what they're trying to convey.
I do think the universe sends messages, I don't know, maybe I should attend some Sunday, or maybe it's just a general kind of attraction thing, I'm thinking about community, so are many other people, and the thought is out there in the ether, waiting to drop in to my mailbox.

Help Me Decide

Ok, so fairly lighthearted and pretty trivial in all actuality, but I need some help with my ballot for the Screen Actor's Guild awards. See, I haven't seen any of the nominated movies (really!), that's how lame last year was, and while I only watch a few of the TV shows, my favorites will be getting my vote. So, go here if you'd like to see the nominees, and tell me who you would vote for and why. If I like your response, I might vote that way. Be a part of the SAG awards!! Influence history!! If only in the tiniest, most insignificant way. Have your responses in by the end of the week, since the ballots have to be received by January 23rd.
(I will say that the people promoting Heath Ledger and The Dark Knight sent me a free DVD screener, so that might influence me too, but only maybe, since I haven't watched it yet.)

Feeling Strangely Fine

I don't really know why, except that I think a few things have gelled for me recently. Admittedly, Mom's death hit me hard, harder than expected, but it also clarified some things, as major events are wont to do. And as time passes, the grief and trauma settle a bit, the pain eases, and I'm able to reflect.
I've been worried, to some degree or another, for the past couple of years. Most of the worrys stem from loved one's health issues, but then there's the general never-enough-money worries and the I'm-not-where-I-want-to-be blues also. I'm not usually an anxious person, and the pressure and fretfulness have a corrosive effect on my personality. I'm snappish and mean, emotional, and I don't like it.
Here's what I've realized:

• The job I have right now is a bad fit for me. It's not creative, it's more responsibility than I want, and it asks me to behave in ways I find objectionable.
• I don't like big city life any more. I get pissy with the lack of privacy, rude people and being too far away from nature. I don't want to live in the boonies, but a smaller place would be better.
• I'm tired of feeling poor. Having a disabled spouse contributes to this feeling, but so does the cost of living in a big city. There are definitely less expensive places to live.
• I don't do enough to feed my soul, and I think souls need to be fed, regularly. I've abandoned interesting hobbies and am instead becoming a snail.
• I've devalued friendship and community in my life. I don't know if this an attitude thing, an introspection thing, or what, but it needs to change. I need it to change.

I'm still working things out, there are lots of difficulties and details that have to be dealt with, but I think 2009 is going to be a good year, maybe the best year of my life. Or maybe it's just the chocolate talking.

Text Messaging and The State of My Relationship

I'm saving the "I luv u"s and deleting the "Fuck u"s.