Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Here, There and Everywhere

Feeling frustrated and scattered today, like I'm gathering marbles on the deck of a pitching ship, having zero success. NSA was feeling insecure this morning, which lead to feelings of jealousy, which lead to him picking a fight as I was leaving. I fucking hate it when he does that! So then there are multiple strained calls back and forth until he's reassured and we (kind of) get things sorted out. I gave him reason to mistrust me a couple of years ago, and it's been a recurring issue since then. His disability has been a huge blow to his self-esteem, and my husband, who used to be a smart, handy, energetic go-getter, has been reduced to a state of miserable dependence where he can't work, can't drive, and has trouble leaving the house. He is understandably bitter and angry a lot of the time. I tell him that it's not his fault, that I know he would never choose this, but it's small comfort. So much has gone on in the seventeen years (!!!) of our relationship, but his health deteriorating has been the worst.
My mother visited this weekend, a quick stop between a cancer retreat and a trip to Hawaii to see friends. She doesn't seem to be doing badly, her spirits are good, but I think things are worse than she's willing to tell me. She doesn't really know what's going on with the cancer, I think she's afraid to find out, except that the lump is getting bigger and it hurts. I didn't realize before, but she has a huge phobia about surgery and going into the hospital, she really thinks she'll die from just that. I'm trying to understand and accept her choices, but it's very, very hard. To me, it seems like she's being stupid and stubborn, set on a course of action and no one in the goddamned world can dissuade her. Kind of like Bush in Iraq, blinders on and "stay the course" no matter the cost. And she'll hate that I compared her to him, which gives me a small amount of evil satisfaction.

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