Monday, January 21, 2008

I Should Not

I have all of these thoughts running around in my head today, like "Geez, I have eight episodes of 30 Rock and The Graham Norton Show saved. Maybe I should watch those sometime." and "I wonder how much money we have in the coin bucket?" But mostly I've been thinking of clever ways to get off work. See, I have quite a bit of sick time accumulated, since I haven't caught a cold in a long time (one of the few benefits of getting older is that you've been exposed to more virus', and therefore, don't get sick as often, yay!), and since, unlike vacation, I won't get paid for unused sick time when I leave the company, I might as well try to use it up. So I've been daydreaming about what to do.
Mostly, I dream about being able to quit this job. About being able to afford my own home, spend as much time as I like with my husband, because life is short and his is probably going to be shorter than average, and own whatever animals I want (within reason). I'm envious of Susan at 29 Black Street because her life seems to be very much her own. She enjoys her work, takes great pleasure in her home and surroundings, and has a lot of time for her friends, human and non. I get frustrated and angry with myself because I'm not a stupid person, just lazy and undermotivated. I tend not to trust myself, even though I think I'm talented and have a good, if not great, story to tell. I wonder if sometimes I'm not afraid of success, if that's maybe why I self-sabotage. Or maybe it was growing up with people who sneered at worldly success, who belittled ambition and drive, who clearly communicated that desiring a comfortable lifestyle was bourgeois and probably evil. I was berated for what I wanted, and I think that can't help but effect a person as they develop.
I need to be careful, though, because as much as I would like to abandon most of my responsibilities and hightail it to the mountains, when I've felt this way before, I've done stupid things. Irresponsible things that got me fired and pushed me down this path. Maybe this blog isn't such a good idea.

1 comment:

Susan said...

I want to comment more on this post, and I will I promise, when my heart doesn't feel quite so broken. I think you need to keep writing your thoughts, unedited as seems your style, here in your blog. I think the blog is a good thing, an important thing. I think it's your path.

thanks for all your hugs and warm thoughts. xo S.