Weird Week

Is it just me, or what the hell has been going on lately? I mean, other than Obama winning South Carolina, it seems like the tragedy level has been riding pretty high. Things haven't been good for me for awhile, but on some supra-psychic level, it seems to be infectious. Heath Ledger died?! Christian Brando died too, although, frankly, that's less of a loss. And McCain is the current GOP frontrunner, scary shit!! My anxiety level edges ever upward, or maybe it's just dry winter air that's making my skin crawl.

Days of Blood and Cancer

Well, I guess I must really need an outlet for my feelings, because while I'm afraid that I'll end up revealing too much and get dooced, I can't seem to stop myself from blogging. I don't know what I think it will achieve, except maybe making me feel better, but I've been an inveterate journal-izer for a long time now, and it's a hard habit to break. Also, the exhibitionist in me loves to make private things public, so baring my soul is titillating.

I've been helping out a coworker for the past few days because, it turns out, she has cancer and needs blood transfusions before she can have chemotherapy. Four pints of blood, to be exact, half a gallon. At a thousand dollars per pint. That seems like a lot, of blood and money. And it blows my mind, because I'm fucking surrounded by cancer! I know that people now have the opportunity to die of cancer, because a hundred years ago, you'd probably die of pneumonia or influenza or some nasty infection before cancer had the chance to kill you, but it's still weird how themes seem to come up in my life. And I don't think it's a case of simply becoming more aware, although it could be that I'm aging, and then, so are the people around me.

My mother persists in her homeopathic treatments and visits to her healer, although her homeopathic practitioner has advised her against drinking coffee, which my mom can't do. She can't give up her morning caffeine fix even to try to help her healing process. She has said that she will see an oncologist, but has yet to make an appointment. She told me about the lump in her breast last February, almost a year ago. Everytime I see one of those "early detection is the key" ads, I just want to SCREAM. For now, I've been trying to keep my stress levels under control, I've got to get rid of this lead weight in my stomach.

I Should Not

I have all of these thoughts running around in my head today, like "Geez, I have eight episodes of 30 Rock and The Graham Norton Show saved. Maybe I should watch those sometime." and "I wonder how much money we have in the coin bucket?" But mostly I've been thinking of clever ways to get off work. See, I have quite a bit of sick time accumulated, since I haven't caught a cold in a long time (one of the few benefits of getting older is that you've been exposed to more virus', and therefore, don't get sick as often, yay!), and since, unlike vacation, I won't get paid for unused sick time when I leave the company, I might as well try to use it up. So I've been daydreaming about what to do.
Mostly, I dream about being able to quit this job. About being able to afford my own home, spend as much time as I like with my husband, because life is short and his is probably going to be shorter than average, and own whatever animals I want (within reason). I'm envious of Susan at 29 Black Street because her life seems to be very much her own. She enjoys her work, takes great pleasure in her home and surroundings, and has a lot of time for her friends, human and non. I get frustrated and angry with myself because I'm not a stupid person, just lazy and undermotivated. I tend not to trust myself, even though I think I'm talented and have a good, if not great, story to tell. I wonder if sometimes I'm not afraid of success, if that's maybe why I self-sabotage. Or maybe it was growing up with people who sneered at worldly success, who belittled ambition and drive, who clearly communicated that desiring a comfortable lifestyle was bourgeois and probably evil. I was berated for what I wanted, and I think that can't help but effect a person as they develop.
I need to be careful, though, because as much as I would like to abandon most of my responsibilities and hightail it to the mountains, when I've felt this way before, I've done stupid things. Irresponsible things that got me fired and pushed me down this path. Maybe this blog isn't such a good idea.

Random Bits

There are some people on this planet that I just want to ask, "Could you please not be such a dickhead? It is possible for you to moderate your dickheadishness a bit?"

From my dearest husband, regarding the annoying petitioners outside of grocery stores: "You know what petition I'd sign? I'd sign a petition that would get your ass a real job!"

Life on Mars is down to the last few episodes, sigh, but Torchwood has a new season starting Jan. 26th, yay! John Barrowman is dead sexy, and, no, I don't care that he's gay.

Does anyone else think that if something has half the fat of the regular version, that just means you can eat twice as much?

I don't get why people think Sophia Coppola is such a genius. I mean, if your daddy was a famous director, odds are, you could make a passable movie too.

Tuesday Morning

Feeling teary and emotional today, for no particular reason that I can immediately identify. Maybe it's because my dearest husband didn't sleep very well, and so I was woken often during the night, and almost overslept this morning. His mood has been down the last couple of mornings, probably because Sunday together was very nice, but his pain levels have been up since then. It's hard for him when he's pretty much confined to the bedroom, watching crap T.V. and wondering how things got so bad. He also misses my company during the day, and I know how he feels, because right now, there's nothing I'd rather do than just cuddle up next to him and whisper things will get better. I wish I had more faith that they will. He has a doctor's appointment at the end of the month that has a bit riding on it. His physician, Dr. Overworked Asian Chick, has said that she will reevalute his medication needs, and since he's been on Vicodan for over two years now, I think it might be time to try something else. His oldest sister has gotten so many different painkillers, Oxycontin, Darvoset, Percoset, for her bad back, and yet, his physician seems unwilling to try anything that might be more effective. It's my understanding that when a person has chronic, unresolvable pain conditions, then addiction isn't as much of a concern. His quality of life, hell, our quality of life, would be greatly improved if he were in less pain on a daily basis.

Mom called me Sunday night, but I haven't been in the mood to talk to her. I'm mostly just pissed off at her all the time, I just want to yell and tell her how stupid I think she's being. My uncle is out of the psychiatric hospital and staying in a motel for now. It's temporary, but at least he has running water and cable T.V. Mom's looking after him, I don't think she's told him she has cancer, she wouldn't want to worry him. Of course, when she dies, it will fall to me to take care of him, and that's probably not going to happen. His own sons washed their hands of him a long time ago. He'll most likely end up back in prison or the loony bin, at least those institutions will make sure he's fed and takes his medication.

I just need to keep plugging along. Some days it's just a matter of maintaining, of getting through until something improves.

American Growth Industries

Prisons
Fat kids
Old people

Political Worries

The way things are going economically, I really, really hope that this country can elect a president that is able to handle the issues of the average American. I personally am worried about rising inflation and unemployment, the war in Iraq dragging on and on (and on), and how a recession will effect my job as well as my husband's disability benefits.
I don't like Bush at all, never had, he wasn't joking when he said his constituents were the rich and the ultra-rich, that's exactly who his policies, both foreign and domestic, have benefitted. I can't believe we've had to suffer with him for eight fucked-up years.
I'm concerned about the current crop of politicians. I like Obama and Edwards, I think fresh minds are exactly what we need in Washington, but I don't trust Rodham-Clinton, Guiliani or Romney. There's just too much baggage or disingenuity or plain old twofacedness among the three of them. I hate how McCain seems to have sold the rest of his soul in the desire to be President. Huckabee seems grounded, but the Southern Baptist conservative thing is really off-putting, and Fred Thompson, well, I think he'd do a good job acting as president.
I don't have faith that the American people will do what's best for themselves or the country. I don't honestly think that the U.S. is ready for a black or woman president. I'm afraid that the public will once again elect a man who will smile to our faces, reassure us that everything will be just fine, and continue to dig the country into an ever-increasingly deep, dark hole. I like the sunshine. Canada, anyone?

Things I Like

Quiet, relaxed mornings
Slim black boots
Laughing 'til my stomach muscles ache
Finding the perfect bargain
Cups of tea at five in the afternoon
Laundry fresh from the dryer

Little Bit

I'm feeling better than I have in a while. I think the rainy weather over the weekend didn't help my mood, although generally I love the rain, and being hormonal and PMS-y didn't help either. I feel like such a pussy when I complain about the weather in California; I mean, I used to deal with snow and sleet and sub-zero temperatures, a little rain (or even a lot) is really nothing to moan about. But then, I've acclimated, and now I whine when it's not clear skies and 70 degrees. And knowing that I'm hormonal and that my mood is being effected by my biology doesn't seem to help either. I still feel down and bitchy, like nothing will ever be right again. And then there's that comforting red gush (still not pregnant! Yay!), and it's sunny and clear today, and I feel better.

Not that everything's perfect. My dearest husband is experiencing a considerable amount of pain as the daily injections make his bones ache. He says it feels like the medicine seeks out the weak spots in his body (past injuries, damaged joints), and makes them hurt, probably part of the healing process. I can only hope that the symptoms get better over time, since he's got quite a while to go. His mood is good, and that helps my mood too. We kind of feed off each other's energy that way. Creepy? maybe, but after seventeen years(!!), a certain symbiosis/codependence is understandable.

Work is still sucky, but manageable, and as long as I keep to the promise I made myself, I feel okay about things. Days like today remind me that there are still possibilities, still hope, that I can make things better despite the obstacles that (often lately) seem insurmountable.

Dream Interpretations

I watched Eastern Promises over the weekend, which was pretty good, even if my dearest husband did figure out Nikolai's mystery about a third into the movie. I absolutely adore Viggo Mortensen, have ever since he played Lucifer in The Prophecy, I don't think there's ever been a sexier/scarier devil (maybe Tim Curry in Legend.) Anyway, the movie gave me some interesting dreams, mostly having to do with other people getting what they want from me, while I get nothing in return and end up feeling helpless and angry. One scenario involved me having to build a twenty-foot tall stool out of clay, and the only way it seemed I would be able to do this was by sitting on the stool while constructing it beneath me, a seemingly impossible task. I told my husband I thought this symbolized the unrealistic expectations that work has recently put on me. He had a more succinct explanation. He said, "Maybe it means you won't get anything accomplished until you get off your ass."

More Sucking

FUUUUCK!!! Pardon while I shake my head and take a few deep breaths to help quell my exasperation. Just so you're warned, this is a rant.

So last year, I did really well for the company I work for. I personally know that I suck as an employee, but, according to their standards, I'm excellent. Wonderful. I love putting more money in the pockets of people who are already rich beyond belief. The "challenge" then, for this year, is to do even better, meaning, even more money for them, and more stress and headaches for me. This is my reward for doing so well, the "opportunity" to try and reach the unrealistic goals they have set for 2008. You know what would be nice? A performance-based bonus, say, maybe .5% of the profit that I earned for them last year, that would be motivational. But if I were to receive such a bonus, then I would probably leave this shit behind, because I could afford to. Where do the greedy bastards of the world get off? How do they possibly justify their need for more and more and more money? "Little Johnny can't possibly drive last year's model Porsche, how would that look to the neighbors?"

I am SO tired of working for grasping, avaricious, uncompassionate people. I'm tired of spending my talents and precious time for people who, frankly, are a waste of oxygen. They need the full-on Scrooge treatment, as if it would help. I hate the fact that I really need this job and that I'm probably going to have to bear with it for another year or two. But this is the promise I'll make myself: Every week, every day if possible, I will do something that furthers my goal of financial independence. I don't want to be reliant on these greedy motherfuckers for my livelihood.